Or, how I managed to kidnap one of my own readers.
Last night I gave a talk at Great Barr Library in Birmingham. Brum, not ‘Bama. Among those attending were crime fiction fans, the library’s reading group, a “co-granny” sent by a reader in Georgia, and the Mayor of Sandwell, who kindly arrived wearing her official badge of office. Also attending were my roadie (aka Paul, The Husband) and one of this blog’s regular participants, DJ Paterson, who sat through rush hour motorway traffic to get there. I had a good time and I hope the audience did, too. A few people even told me that I didn’t seem nearly as barbaric as my books would suggest.
Afterward, DJ agreed to join Paul and me at the pub. Naively, as it turns out. We were staying in the center of Birmingham and had taken a cab to the library, so we bummed a ride from him. We told him it was simple - just head straight down the road and we couldn’t miss the hotel.
At which point he should have known that he was with a couple of aliens, and that no matter how long Americans are in the UK we still get lost if we blink. We went in circles for a long time. We went in so many circles that I’m sure he wondered whether Paul was secretly texting a ransom note to his family. ( “Hav yr Corsa. Also hubbie.”) He may have remembered the joke I made at the library, about the T-shirt that explains where I get my ideas: “Everything I need to know I learned from the people trapped in my basement.” He might have worried that I really am Meg O’Death, the Roller Derby “Queen of the Blitz”, and that my teammates Maggie Killemall and Violet Crime were waiting for us at the end of a dark alley. Or maybe he thought that my snarking about being confused with Meg Cabot and Anita Shreve is just a front, and that I use those aliases to throw suspicion on other authors when readers go missing.
If so, he didn’t let on. He kept driving without complaint, until we finally spotted our destination. And then, being brave or crazy, he didn’t screech away like a bat getting out of hell, but joined us for a drink. He did mention, however, that an author doesn’t have to show the gun on the page to make you wonder whether it’s there.
And after all that, since he had to drive home, he had a Coke. Thanks, DJ.
5 responses so far ↓
Brum, Brum! « djpaterson // May 18, 2007 at 4:43 pm
[...] kindapping came as a complete surprise, [...]
djpaterson // May 18, 2007 at 4:45 pm
OK, on reflection, I think there are a number of valuable lessons to be learned from this:
1. When you kiss your wife goodbye, she says, ‘Be careful,’ and you say ‘Don’t worry, I’ll be fine,’ stop and listen for a moment. If you hear the audience/reader draw breath, be alarmed.
2. If the author’s husband seems keen to let you have your photo taken with his wife, look into his eyes and ask yourself, whose trophy is this photo going to end up as?
3. A good crime writer doesn’t need to show you the gun for you to realise you’re in danger.
4. Just because someone looks like Kathy Bates, it doesn’t mean they will take you prisoner, chop off your foot and plan to use your skin as their next bookbinding. On the other hand, just ‘cause they look like Meg (O’Death) Gardiner, is doesn’t mean they won’t.
5. If your captors relax their guard and you realise your PDA has enough juice and signal for web access, perhaps blogging isn’t the best use of your (no doubt) limited time. Maybe a better idea would be to put out a call for HELP…..
susan // May 18, 2007 at 6:13 pm
Sounds like a lovely time. Too bad we couldn’t all have joined you.
I think, Meg, if you come to Toronto, I’ll choose the watering hole and the route.
Snart // May 18, 2007 at 7:18 pm
DJ, you are a lucky man. Count your blessings. Not becaue you had an evening with Anita and Paul, but because you survived such an encounter, physically, at least. It will take years to gauge the resultant mental deterioration.
Naw, don’t listen to me. I’m just green with envy. Lucky man!
djpaterson // May 19, 2007 at 3:05 pm
In all seriousness, Snart - yes, I feel both lucky and privileged. It kinda beats the audience with Stephen King, where I was ’steerage’, along with 2,000 others!
DJ
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