Further to my post about crackpot celebrity baby monikers, The Times looks at the trend for parents to “brand” babies via their names.
Professor Albert Mehrabian is pondering the name Princess Tiáamii over the phone from his office in California. “I don’t mean to be negative but this is a stupid name,” he says.
The article gets even better from there.
I pay attention to names. I keep a baby names book on my bookshelf, because I have to christen a whole batch of people every time I write a book. But I wouldn’t stick somebody with one of these newly popular names, even on the page:
Trinity, Musetta, Cecily, Eudora, Myrtle, Delaney, Romy or Lark – names of the medium, if not necessarily the long-term, future.
Oh, wait - I did! But only as a last name.
And here’s proof that clairvoyants, astrologers, and women who cast chicken bones to tell the future will never run out of suckers customers: parents can now hire a “professional nameologist” to label their offspring.
Abigail will not do what she is told without a good reason and she will not be the type to come home and settle to her homework. She will be fun, but she will also be inclined to perform her own domestic dramas.
Is she saying I shouldn’t have named my kids Lion, Iscariot and Rebellia Lilac?
Just kidding. I would never subject my own children to such bland choices.
And for anybody unfamiliar with Princess Tiáamii’s parents, here’s a photo. (Warning: before viewing, set aside pens, chopsticks, anything that you might use to stab out your eyes.)
UPDATE: Commenters turn this into the “androgynous names” game!
41 responses so far ↓
prospectus // July 31, 2007 at 10:14 am
You’re completely right. Crackpot names I’d never use - I’m a firm believer in proper names for kids. That’s why my first born will be called Spartacus, boy or girl. Spartacus’s next sibling will be Napoleon.
(Did Princess Tiamii’s daddy steal his suit from the Joker in Batman? I only ask since her ma seems to have stolen her…adornments from the safety features of a Volkswagen Golf!)
Patti // July 31, 2007 at 12:56 pm
I knew a poor child named Napoleon. What a raging disaster.
The equation between child and product (never tell your friends about what you plan to name your child or product) is chilling.
susan // July 31, 2007 at 5:20 pm
What an insufferable twit is Professor (is that his name?) Mehrabian.
“It sounds like a foreign name,” grumbles Mehrabian, “and it will label her in a way as not being British, as being an outsider.”
A foreign name! Shocking!
“Princess implies pretentiousness,” he grumbles on, “and most people will assume it isn’t a real title.”
So what does he think of the name Earl?
Mehrabian puts [the rampant originality in naming children] down to a combination of the cult of individualism in Britain and the US [and] lack of government interference where baby-naming is concerned (in France the law prohibits all names except those on an approved list, while in Germany invented and androgynous names are banned).
Androgynous names?? Like Chris or Terry.
Invented? Do they purport to understand every culture in their country? (And yeah, I’ve heard Quebec is also anal and controlling in that regard.)
–Susan (3rd most popular Anglophone girl name of 1950), mother of Heather (3rd most popular Anglophone girl name of 1975)
gargoyle // July 31, 2007 at 6:21 pm
A friend *swears* that he’s going to get a puppy and a kitten and name them Testicles and Vagisilis, respectively. I’m actively working to change his mind, since he is the type of person who would go through with such a threat.
Patti // July 31, 2007 at 6:31 pm
Professor Mehrabian may indeed suffer terrible injury when he falls off his high horse, but some of the naming consultants must commute in from some very distant planets. Anything for a buck.
Susan, the points you raise are what cause me, in more reactionary moments, to draw back from proposing that potential parents pass a naming exam prior to acquiring or producing offspring. I still cringe at the atrocious, cutesy, and, er, uniquely spelled monikers that people give their kids, though, and struggle to utter the name of a woman about my age whom I encounter regularly–Bunny.
On the popular names front, my brother is David, and when he was little my mother would call for him and get up to 5 responses from the Davids living in the immediate vicinity (4 in contiguous backyards).
Snart // July 31, 2007 at 6:45 pm
I think government interference on naming a child is beyond insane…what exactly is the word for beyond insane?
What’s wrong with androgynous names: Terry, Chris, Shannon, ….come on, gang, let’s make a new name list:
Stevie
Tony/Toni
Andy/Andi
Sandy
I agree that naming of children has gone beyond the realm of logic. However, I recall the names of my mother’s group of friends when we lived in Colorado in 1966: Tillie, Billie, Tiny, Bunny and Pickle. Much better than their real names, I’m sure.
A rose is a rose….
gargoyle // July 31, 2007 at 7:19 pm
One nifty site I came across a long while back is the Baby Name Wizard
http://www.babynamewizard.com/namevoyager/lnv0105.html
Type in a name and it will show you when that name was popular over the last 120+ years or so. My own name (Marion) peaked for both boys and girls in the early 1900s-1910s.
Snart // July 31, 2007 at 7:29 pm
More andro names:
Kelly
Aubrey
Marion (thanks, gargoyle)
Bobby
Taylor
Evan
Kim
Alex
….
Patti // July 31, 2007 at 10:34 pm
Ooooo, a game! I feel an obsession coming on.
Micah
Jude
Cary/Kerry
Ashley
Ainsley
Billy/Billie
Sean/Shawn/Shaun/Sian
Michelle/Michel
Jesse/Jessie (serious androgyny in them there books, Meg!)
Shirley
Lindsey
Rene(e)
Logan (yes, I know a 5 year old female one)
Pat
Snart // July 31, 2007 at 11:34 pm
Oo, I like Micah, but a girl named Micah? Cool! And Jude…ah, Judy Jude.
Jo/Joe
Sam
Jules
Cameron
Hayden
Morgan
Carson
Parker
Makenzie
March
Perry
Pat
Peyton
Patti // August 1, 2007 at 12:43 am
Yep, there’s a girl named Micah in my son’s school (it’s not just our neighbour’s female golden retriever puppy). March, huh? Interesting.
Kendall
Leslie
Jamie
Ariel
Aaron/Erin
Dylan
Dale
Dana
Andre(e)
Allison
Michael (t.v. land has a couple of female Michaels)
Jan
Patti // August 1, 2007 at 12:55 am
Meredith
Fern (never met the xy version before moving to a fairly francophone area)
Gargoyle, I just had a lovely time playing with Baby Name Wizard. It sure explained all of the Lisas and Kims in their early-mid 40s. My name topped out in the 50s at #3.
Meg // August 1, 2007 at 8:26 am
A game, started without me! Okay, how about Princess Tiáamii’s mother:
Jordan.
The Husband // August 1, 2007 at 10:51 am
Lee/Leigh
Kit
Mel (Melissa or Melvin)
baby names expert // August 1, 2007 at 11:13 am
Time will tell where this trend will go. It may just be that names thought of as odd today will be all too usual tomorrow.
Patti // August 1, 2007 at 1:42 pm
Hilary
susan // August 1, 2007 at 1:43 pm
Oh wow, gotta jump in. I may be duplicating here….
Quinn (my brand new grandson)
Clare (my own middle name)
Dale
Don/Dawn
Deforest — no wait, that was another contest.
Gene/Jean (or of course, the French Jean)
Gerry
Lou
Maria (as in Jesus Maria Joseph)
Hilary
Abbie
Tracy
susan // August 1, 2007 at 1:47 pm
Gale
Laurie (hey, Laurie and Jo from Little Women. Both had androgynous names!)
Kate // August 1, 2007 at 2:46 pm
How could you all forget Evan?
Laura // August 1, 2007 at 5:32 pm
My daughter has a female friend named Logan. And she also has both a male AND a female friend named Tristan.
I just have to jump back to the “odd spellings” concept and share this with you all. There is a boy in my younger daughter’s classroom named Dakota (traditional spelling) but it is spelled…get ready for it…
D-A-C-O-D-U-H.
I am NOT making this up. Now, this is the perfect way to set your kid up for a lifetime of playground beatings.
susan // August 1, 2007 at 6:00 pm
Nope, Snart said ‘Evan’. Just before Patti pointed out that Meg, like LM Alcott, does the androgynous name thing.
Patti // August 1, 2007 at 6:14 pm
Laura, my son (adopted) was also the victim of some especially tin-eared phonetic spelling. He was happy to change the spelling of his name when it became apparent that suddenly everyone could pronounce it correctly.
Another of Meg’s androgynous names: Nikki/Nicky
Jeff // August 1, 2007 at 6:44 pm
Paris (sorry)
Val // August 1, 2007 at 7:19 pm
Darrel/Darryl
Addison
Diamond
Leslie
Terry
Meg // August 1, 2007 at 7:33 pm
Dacoduh? Oh, lawd. Darryl - excellent, Val! But Addison surprises me. Now for mine:
Darrin.
Honest - she was my son’s swimming teacher. And… it’s a verb name too!
It’s androgynous (slap!)
It’s a verb name (slap!)
It’s androgynous AND a verb name!
The Husband // August 2, 2007 at 11:37 am
Robin/Robyn (yep a guitar playing buddy named Robin)
Nat (Natalie/Nathan/Nathaniel)
Patti // August 2, 2007 at 12:59 pm
Cy
Noel
Lane
Sasha
susan // August 2, 2007 at 1:28 pm
Marty
Lauren/Lorne (okay, I’m stretching it.)
Patti, I had to read your penultimate posting twice, to realise you were ADDRESSING it to Laura.
Meg // August 2, 2007 at 1:43 pm
Since you’re noting all my character androgyny, I guess I should tell you my new book features… Jo.
Maybe it’s because my grandmother was (nick)named Sigh.
prospectus // August 2, 2007 at 7:40 pm
So is Jo a man or woman? Or is that a spoiler only to be revealed in the last chapter?
As well as androgynous names, I’ve always found surnames-as-firstnames amusing. Some of Snark’s andro ones for instance:
Cameron
Hayden
Morgan
Carson
Parker
Makenzie
Also
Campbell
Taylor
St. Clair (pronounced Sinclair)
The Husband // August 2, 2007 at 7:58 pm
Vic Victoria/Victor
Chris
Patti // August 2, 2007 at 8:51 pm
Indeed, Susan, my poor boy’s name was spelled “Laura” and pronounced “Linus”…. Actually, the distance between spelling and pronunciation was almost that great.
Patti // August 3, 2007 at 2:11 am
Mo
Francis/Frances
Carmen
Georgie
Jackie
The Husband // August 3, 2007 at 7:19 am
Shawn/Shaun
Marty/Martie
Sam
Meg // August 3, 2007 at 9:29 am
From today’s news, a surprising entry:
Jayne.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/6925584.stm
“Preparing for a dirty bomb attack”
…
Over at the Argonne laboratories, scientists are now spraying their plastic polymer gel on to a wall. Jayne Shelton is President of the company that developed it.
“The purpose of this coating is to lock down radioactive particulates to prevent contamination spread,” he says.
Typo, or tragic naming decision?
The Husband // August 3, 2007 at 12:07 pm
Max
Mickey
Patti // August 3, 2007 at 12:36 pm
Meg, that reminds me: Jay. Back in my figure skating days (a loooong time ago) there was a girl named Jay.
Patti // August 3, 2007 at 2:39 pm
Courtney
Meg // August 3, 2007 at 2:48 pm
Figure skating! Now I get it - your name is Patti, spelled S-A-L-C-H-O-W J-U-M-P.
Lynn (Swann - Steelers’ receiver)
Patti // August 3, 2007 at 5:15 pm
Close, Meg. It’s spelled D-O-U-B-L-E O-M-E-L-E-T (a jump my dad made up that goes up, turns around twice, and comes down “splat”–I brought much energy but little talent to the sport)
Bad baby names - the horror, the horror « lying for a living // October 25, 2007 at 7:26 pm
[...] running a contest to choose the worst kids’ name ever, and oh, Christ, the names - they make Princess Tiaámii sound like Plain Jane. Urethra? Dijonaise? Crystal Meth? In thirty years, when these unfortunates [...]
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