In my post about Guns, kidnapping, and a beauty queen, I quoted this sentence from the Guardian:
A law school student and former beauty queen who has posed for a racy calendar while brandishing a weapon has been accused of kidnapping, biting and threatening a former boyfriend with a handgun.
And I noted, “Would it be possible to cram a more bizarre collection of words into one sentence?”
In the comments, thymebandit writes:
Is that a challenge? Sounds like a good competition to get the year off to a good start.
You’re on.
Send in the most bizarre sentences you can find in a news story, or the most bizarre sentences you can write. Cram them full of good crimey weirdness. Bonus points for sentences that mention awful celebrities (Tonya Harding, Paris Hilton’s monkey, etc.) and for making me laugh.
6 responses so far ↓
prospectus // January 4, 2008 at 11:14 am
Let’s see:
‘Police were called to the home of ex-Baptist choir girl Britney Spears in child custody melee after the “Toxic” singer was stretchered into ER upon ingestion of unknown substance.’
I’m sure y’all can do better, but there’s a start. (And I’m not being nasty. I meant the *single* “Toxic”.)
djpaterson // January 4, 2008 at 12:56 pm
Not sure if they technically qualify, however here’s a couple:
A family home has been saved from fire by a mother’s extra-large Marks & Spencer pants.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2008/01/02/npants102.xml
He’s captured farts in specially made Mylar pantaloons, measured the cocktail of gases they contain, even conducted a study devised to get to the bottom of what may be the most contentious question in the field: Which gender emits the smelliest farts?
http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/20071228/flatulence_expert_071228/20071228 (there are plenty of contenders in this article).
Dan // January 4, 2008 at 3:23 pm
This one has potential:
“Neighbours spotted him throwing objects on to a fire in the garden of the house. Ms Coade said that forensic science tests had discovered traces of metal bra clasps in the fire debris.”
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/crime/article3129123.ece
Dan // January 4, 2008 at 3:56 pm
Here’s a creation of my own:
“The police restrained the crowd of onlookers as the scuffle was broken up; Lindsay, Tonya, Paris and her monkey looked on with dejection as Britney, bloodied but smiling, emerged victorious, saying only ‘This cheeseburger is MINE.’”
Snart // January 4, 2008 at 11:49 pm
Dana Shafman hosts Taser parties. “It’s a girl power kind of thing,” Shafman says. “You’re kind of making a statement: I know I’m a woman. I know I’m the most sought after victim in regards to sexual assault, sexual abuse. So please stay away from me. If in the event you do come after me, I’m going to use my pink Taser to put you on the ground.”
thymebandit // January 5, 2008 at 12:52 am
Asked if she was surprised to discover that her pet simian was, in fact, Tonya Harding, Paris replied, “No, I was a bit shocked that she had taught herself ju-jitsu from a book; I mean where did she find a book in my apartment?”
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