Until today, I thought the worst lyrics ever written were “My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps.” But this morning I heard the choir stumbling through these words in a hymn: “Thy unction grace bestoweth.”
Archaic, ugly, and unsingable - it was a choral hat trick. And more: bestoweth? The lyricist was digging deep into the Big Book of Tortured Rhymes that day, seeking a match for “floweth.” The line instantly jumped to number one on my list of awful couplings, knocking down previous winners — “Wake me up before you go go” ( “Don’t leave me hangin’ on like a yo-yo!”) and “If I could move I’d get my gun and put her in the ground” ( “Ruuuuu-oo-by, don’t take your love to town.”)
Then, seconds later, the song got worse. “Perverse and foolish…” Oh, dear God. Hymn Writing 101: Do not start a verse with the word perverse. Ever. “Perverse and foolish oft I strayed…” This was heading nowhere good. What rhyme lay in wait for the sinner — er, singer — who so oft strayed? What was he going to get?
“Laid.”
Gently laid. Yes, I’m making it sound bad. The hymn was based on the 22nd psalm, and the perverse little strayer gets laid like a lamb on the shepherd’s shoulder. And yes, I’m a filthy-minded heathen. Didn’t matter. I wasn’t singing it.
Remember a while back, I wrote a post about throwing books? Be proud of me. I didn’t throw this one.
10 responses so far ↓
Nancy // March 30, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Ha, ha… this made me laugh out loud.
And “lady lumps” makes my skin crawl!
Patti // March 31, 2008 at 12:36 am
Meg, Meg, that’s a good old hymn with a mid-19th century ring to it. They are meant to test the ability of choristers to keep a straight face. The worst hymn lyric I’ve encountered recently (a 20th century composition) was “O Christ was a good guest to have at the feast/ to pledge all glad lovers in mirth, / to charm water jars with God’s cheerful yeast, / leaving friends with a full wedding’s worth.” The theology is decidedly suspect, although I’m all for “God’s cheerful yeast.” Possibly the funniest convergence of hymn and occasion was the Feast of the Circumcision of the poor old baby Jesus, when the office hymn was “O sacred head, sore wounded.”
Kate // March 31, 2008 at 2:45 am
If it’s lyrics that test choristers’ composure, CatholicGroove has got some for you.
“Grim demonic chorus, get you gone!”
“the racist prejudicial attitudes of hate”
And, the line that gets us every time:
“How Beautiful/The hands that served/The wine and the bread/And the children of earth.”
susan // March 31, 2008 at 1:30 pm
When I was an Anglican Church choir member (and I LOVED singing some of those great old hymns) the line that was most often missung (mis-sung?) was “Let angels prostrate fall.”
Another one I was careful about was “when the elements madly around thee are raging” because substituting “elephants” was so tempting and fit the context perfectly.
And then, of course, there’s the infamous Victorian hymn lyric, “Gladly the cross I’d bear.”
Meg // March 31, 2008 at 7:20 pm
Oh, Gladly, that adorable little shortsighted bear. Cousin to Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer.
susan // March 31, 2008 at 8:21 pm
Not to mention Rudolph’s nemesis, Olive, the other reindeer, who used to laugh and call him names.
Monita // April 1, 2008 at 5:47 pm
This may start a whole new thread of mis-sung or mis-heard lyrics! A family legend tells that my uncle, Rex, as a child loved to steal the paraffin off the jelly jars. He went to church but suddenly bolted during the hymn, “Rescue the perishing”. They found him hiding in his room, shaking because the entire church choir had found out that, “Rex stole the paraffin.”
Monita // April 2, 2008 at 10:04 pm
I just had to add to the “Bad Lyrics” thread, after this morning’s radio show featuring Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody:
“Mama, just killed a man,
put a gun against his head,
pulled my trigger, now he’s dead.”
Also, from Bruce Springsteen’s Pink Cadillac:
“But my love is bigger than a Honda
It’s bigger than a Subaru”
Brings a tear to the eye, doesn’t it?
simon // August 16, 2008 at 5:39 pm
You silly trivial person. How can you possibly understand what meaning these words have for men and women of faith.
Meg // August 19, 2008 at 5:45 pm
Simon, I think there’s a chance you’re joking. I hope you are. Because I fear that otherwise you’ve misunderstood the gist of this post. It’s not to mock scripture, or men and women of faith — I’m one of them. But prayer and faith are ill served by poor writing. I was only pleading for good music.
Leave a Comment