Monthly Archives: March 2009

Yes, really

Since I expressed my disbelief that a California charity benefit would raise money by frying and serving up 400 pounds of bull testicles, you all have been enlightening me as to the taste and consistency of Rocky Mountain Oysters, as cattle ‘nads are called in America’s finer restaurants.

Now Dana Jean writes from an undisclosed location deep in North America, which I have promised not to reveal except to say that it’s probably within a week’s drive of the Continental Divide. Let’s just call it Oyster country:

In my neck of the woods, ball eating is a yearly event.  Sort of like “The Lottery” minus the stones.  Oh, wait, there are stones involved…

And she sends a link to the most bizarre charity commercial I’ve ever seen.

Fistfights, pepper spray… there’s nothing like a party at Parliament

“House of Commons debate broken up — with CS spray.”

Journalists, politics and drink have long been suspected of being a volatile mix, but the recipe may have been even more combustible than usual last night when police used CS spray to break up a fight in the House of Commons.

An argument that appears to have started at a Conservative party reception spilt over into a neighbouring part of the Palace of Westminster. One man – thought to be a journalist – was arrested in the fracas in which a police officer received minor injuries.

“A Conservative source said: ‘We understand that three journalists who earlier in the evening had been at Eric Pickles’ party left and at some point later on created some kind of disturbance. There was nothing in their behaviour earlier that suggested they would act like this.’”

I love how the source talks about journalists as if they were toddlers, or poorly housebroken dogs.

How not to get published

I’ve mentioned this before, but if you want to get published, you should behave professionally. When submitting a query to an agent, don’t type it on red paper in Gothic typeface. Just don’t. Really. Don’t stuff a handful of Count Chocula cereal in the envelope to “sweeten” your submission. Even if it’s a vampire novel. And when sending a manuscript to an editor, don’t include photos of yourself, or drawings for the cover. I’m being serious. Yes, you there, with the sketch of the unicorn — I’m talking to you. And you, with the photo of the toothless beggar you downloaded from the New York Times website — I don’t care if you think it would be perfect for the cover of your novel Despair; just don’t.

These stunts won’t “get you noticed” — at least not in the way you wish they would. What matters to agents and editors is the quality of your writing. Anything else shrieks “amateur hour,” and exponentially increases the chance that your work will be rejected.

And I know that plenty of you won’t believe me.

How do I know? Because I was planning to write a post recommending How Not To Write a Novel. I found this book hilarious and, more importantly, full of advice that’s dead on. I bought it after reading Lynne Truss’s review in the Times, and agree with everything Truss says about it. Having taught writing, and having once been a novice novelist myself, I found the book’s “200 mistakes to avoid at all costs if you ever want to get published” painfully familiar.

And when I looked up How Not To Write a Novel on Amazon.com, I found the usual mix of customer reviews… including one complaining because the book encourages a kind of writing the customer dislikes: writing that’s full of suspense, action, and witty dialogue. The customer, an aspiring writer, prefers novels full of interior monologue, which go off on philosophical tangents and thereby encourage him to put a book down so he can think.

That’s fine. But teaching people how to write books that readers will want to put down is not a recipe for success. Or publication.

And on the “Look at me! Look at me!” front, there’s this tidbit, from Joan Lock’s column in Red Herrings, the magazine of the Crime Writers’ Association:

Tips on how and how not to approach a commissioning editor are offered by Kathy Gale In Writing Magazine. Leading qualifier for how not to, it seems, was the approach by one writer (presumably a budding crime writer) who imagined it would be a fun idea to send her fake body parts in jiffy bags.

“I thought I was being stalked by a serial killer.”

When the manuscript came in she realised the body parts had been a teaser and was “deeply unamused”.

“Never had I wanted to reject a manuscript faster.”

But I’m sure the fake body parts you send, accompanying your 250,000 word novel, will garner a completely different reaction.

Good luck.

Literacy matters

FARC guerillas fail in bid to kill defense minister after spelling mistake.

Ten rebels had disguised themselves as policemen and painted two motorbikes in police colours. Unfortunately, they managed to stencil the word “Policia” back to front on the bikes’ fuel tanks.

Let’s hope they continue being so stupid.

It’s Twilight in Kitsap County

Kate writes: “Kitsap County!”

I watched Twilight this evening (yes, I admit it), and you’ll never guess what came up in the movie!  Okay, so the subject line gives it away — Kitsap County.  Yes, the town where the vampires live is in Washington just over the county line from our favorite weird crime vortex.  It comes up when some evil vampires lay their trail as heading out of Forks, WA into Kitsap County.  I totally started laughing and nobody could understand why until I explained.

Ah, sweet Kitsap County, home to the lug-nut gunman, the naked Taser-licker, and Mr. “My hands are lethal weapons” the karate imbecile. Kitsap, where… hmm, let’s see what’s up… the former mayor of one town has been arrested on felony charges for stalking, assault, and taking “indecent liberties” — though his attorney argues that the ex-mayor suffers from a disease that “can cause sexual exhibitionism, promiscuity and a loss of social inhibition.”

All that and bad vampires too. Law abiding Kitsap folks just can’t catch a break.

Really?

You’ve gotta be kid…there’s no way…  you can’t be… I mean, really?

Diners can “have a ball” at testicle festival.

On Monday, volunteers with the town’s Rotary Club plan to fry up 400 pounds of the private parts of bulls and serve them to diners who pay $50 apiece for the sit-down meal.

I just.. oh, God… seriously?

And yet, that’s not even today’s most bizarre story. There’s this tale of political pique:

Irish artist faces jail for painting prime minister naked.

The prankster who created a furore when his nude portraits of Brian Cowen, the Irish Prime Minister, were hung in two of Dublin’s most prestigious galleries faced prison yesterday after police discovered his identity.

Conor Casby, 35, a shy, Dublin secondary school teacher… could be prosecuted for indecency, incitement to hatred and criminal damage – for hammering a nail into a wall of the National Gallery of Ireland. If convicted, he would face a heavy fine and possibly even a stint in jail.

“Fine Gael, the main opposition party, said last night that the affair was ‘more reminiscent of Russia in the 1930s than Ireland in 2009′. The party called it a ‘scandalous waste of resources’ for detectives to be investigating ‘what amounted to a practical joke that offended the Taoiseach’s ego’.”

No flippin’ kidding.

And yet that’s still not the day’s most eye-popping tale of political idiocy. That honor goes to Rep. Michele “Expose the anti-Americans in Congress” Bachmann, who is fulminating in the House of Representatives and on television about a dire threat that doesn’t exist. From her appearance on Glenn Beck’s show:

BACHMANN: Let me tell you, there’s something that’s happening this week in Congress that could be the eventual unravelling for our freedom, and it’s this. I had asked the Treasury Secretary and Ben Bernanke, the Federal Reserve Chair, if they would categorically denounce–

BECK: I know.

BACHMANN: –taking the United States off of the dollar and putting us on an international global currency. Because as you know, Russia, China, Brazil, India, South Africa, many national have lined up now and called for an international currency, a One World currency. And they want to get off the dollar as the reserve currency.

BECK: Most people don’t understand what that means.

BACHMANN: What that means is that all of the countries of the world would have a single currency. We would give up the dollar as our currency and we would just go with a One World currency.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

No nation — not China, not Russia, not, as Bachmann called it in Congress, “Kazakhistan” — has broached the creation of a new “One World” currency. No nation has suggested that the U.S. abandon the dollar. China has suggested diversifying the reserves held by most countries to include currencies in addition to the dollar.

And that sound you hear is me, pounding my head against my desk, wishing I could get this woman’s voice out of my mind. A “One World currency”? That’s the language of millennial fundamentalists. “One World government”  is code for “the antichrist is coming.” I mean… really?

Questioned by Bachmann, the Treasury Secretary and the Chairman of the Federal Reserve categorically denied that they want to eliminate the dollar. Bachmann’s response? From her official congressional website:

Bachmann Demands Truth: Will Obama Administration Abandon Dollar for Multi-National Currency?

U.S. Representative Michele Bachmann (MN-6) has introduced a resolution that would bar the dollar from being replaced by any foreign currency.

This is equivalent to overhearing that the president is feeling crabby, and responding with a demand that the nation fight the invasion of the Crab People.

When I was growing up, every now and then my dad would shake his head at someone’s stupidity and say, “If she had a brain, she’d be dangerous.” I was going to say that about Rep. Bachmann. Then I read this.

“Michele Bachmann: I want people ‘armed and dangerous’ over Obama tax plan.”

She’s already there.

IN THE COMMENTS: DJ Paterson puts it all together.

You’ve missed the point entirely, Meg. You need to be armed and dangerous if you’re going to be able to fend off the Crab People. Those suckers really nip.

And stories like the testicle festival are obvious smokescreens created by their advance raiding parties to create confusion and chaos.

Arm yourselves!!! (and stock up on seafood sauce).

Will ketchup do?

The new Kindle, now with super-features

The Onion has the scoop on improvements, including:

  • “Like/As” button converts all cumbersome metaphors into easy-to-read similes
  • Streaming functionality allows user to read latest Nora Roberts novel in real-time as the author writes it
  • “Get to the Good Stuff” application skips right to the first mention of the word “heaving”
  • New feature allows one to make a so-called mix book of favorite chapters for girlfriend

Ooooh.

Relay for Life

Regular commenter Eddie White, of Babble On, wrote a few days ago:

Have you heard of Relay For Life?  It’s the big fund raiser for the American Cancer Society, and my wife Lisa and I have taken part in it for years.  We’re in Greensboro, North Carolina, and our team is Investing In a Cure.  If there’s anything you could do to help us out, it would be greatly appreciated.

I’m happy to encourage support for Relay For Life, the American Cancer Society, and Eddie’s team. Check it out at the link.

Couldn’t they sit the critters down and talk to them about behaving responsibly?

China implements family planning for gerbils.

(Via Maxine.)

Giddy-up, Joker

Slave girl Princess Leia, Kill Bill Bride…

My Little Pony gets a Hollywood makeover.

My Little Pony Alien must be seen to be appreciated.

Updates: questions, message board, Facebook

Today I’m rounding up news and queries.

Question 1: Dana Jean asks, “Do you do your own lawyering on contracts or do you have an attorney to do this for you? I know, fool – client, that old chestnut.”

Dana Jean, I would never do my own lawyering on contracts. I don’t even read them. Reading, thinking… it’s all so time-consuming. Heck, I decide the title of my novels randomly, by playing with a Ouija board. I choose character names by throwing darts at the phone book. It’s much more fun that way!

Of course, this may be why several of my European contracts specify that I am to be paid in beets, and why, for one foreign market, I’m contractually obligated to deliver not only a novel, but to “dance, in hot pants and platform boots, dance like crazy bear!!”

Question 2: Any news on a message board?

Yes. I have finally, and to the dismay of my children, joined Facebook. Check out my public page.

Facebook pages allow people to create discussion boards. Go to my page; under my name there’s a row of tabs. Click “Boxes.” That will take you to a zone where you can set up discussions.

I’ll talk about this more (i.e., get it organized and all sparkly and cool) soon — but for now, that’s the place to start. Good luck. I’ll be stopping by.

Question 3: “Also, did we ever find out what car was covered in snow in those winter pictures?”

A Mini Cooper.

Not even a shamrock to shield his dignity

Naked taoiseach paintings removed.

[T]he appearance of nude paintings of Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen in two Dublin galleries has seen the police called in.

A painting of Mr Cowen holding his underpants appeared in the Royal Hibernian Academy and one of him pictured on the toilet ended up in the National Gallery.

Whether it was political subversion or artistic expression if the painter behind them comes to light they could find themselves answering questions from Irish police.

“The National Gallery said they had called in the police and were reluctant to comment further on the matter, other than to say the painting had been up for no more than 20 minutes before it was removed.”

Reluctant to comment — that’s putting it mildly. I’ve read the article three times and can find no mention of the crime the police are investigating.

Getting novels translated

translations

After reading my post about readers’ questions, Gargoyle wrote to me with a question of her own: “How and when does a publisher decide an author, or a particular book, is to be translated? What’s the tipping point?”

Here’s the gist of my answer to her.

To begin with: Many more novels originally written in English (especially by American authors) get translated into European languages than vice versa. English language publishing is a huge machine. And America’s a huge country; it has a lot of writers, and publishers who can publicize their work, sometimes with Hollywood providing additional exposure. Those factors help American authors become known worldwide, which in turn prompts a desire to translate their work into local languages.

The flipside is that American readers tend to like American writers; it’s harder for foreign authors to break into the U.S. than into other markets. For example, in Europe and the UK, Scandinavian crime writers are currently the rage. They’re all over the British bestseller lists, but they’ve barely made a dent in the U.S. On the other hand, Latin American writers can get a big following in America, so a book written in Spanish might have a better chance than one written in Norwegian of being translated into English and ending up on American bookshelves.

And I should explain how the business of foreign translation works. My U.S. publisher, Dutton — which is part of Penguin U.S. — doesn’t own the rights to translate my novels into foreign languages; I do. And Dutton doesn’t arrange for my novels to be translated. Instead, my literary agency negotiates with foreign publishers, who buy the rights to translate my books into their language. They hire the translator and sell the books in their territory, with the name of their publishing house on the book jacket.

Now, sometimes a publisher will offer a writer a contract for “world rights” — that is, they’ll offer to publish a book if the author gives them the right to publish worldwide, in all languages. In that case, the publisher itself then negotiates with foreign publishing houses, hoping they’ll buy the book. And in that case, the main publisher, not the author, gets paid for the foreign sale.

As for how a book reaches a tipping point: buzz, sales, and a great literary agent. Plus a fat helping of luck. If a book or an author gets a groundswell of readership, or reviews, publicity, or whatever, it can spread the word and affect sales in neighboring countries. (And in small countries, it doesn’t take much — selling even a few hundred copies can put a book on the bestseller list.)

It’s all very idiosyncratic. Different countries like different kinds of books. For example, in Israel introspective literary novels are popular, and crime fiction is a tough sell. In other places it’s the opposite. For several years, I had translations in a few languages. And then a couple of years ago the German publisher Heyne bought my books — and German readers are big lovers of thrillers. Once my work became known in Germany, publishers in other countries took a look and are now publishing as well.

And for that I thank not only my terrific German publisher, but the tenacious foreign rights agent at my literary agency, Kate Cooper. She knows editors all over the world, knows what they like and what they’re looking for, and has been a real battler for my novels.

Still, sometimes it’s a crapshoot.

But it’s a roll of the dice I’m happy to take, again and again.

(Photo: from left, German, Spanish, Swedish, Czech, Russian, French, and Hebrew editions of my novels.)

Romantic Times reviewers’ choice awards

The Dirty Secrets Club has been nominated for best P.I./Procedural novel.

Let’s call this a surprise.

When I was writing the novel, I never thought of it as romantic. I thought of it as incorporating a story of love and loss and the possibility of loving again — which is slightly different. But I’m not going to quibble about definitions.

Yes, I think this nomination is pretty damned awesome.

Here’s the list of nominees in my category. I’m in excellent company.

Romantic Times 2008 Reviewers’ Choice Award nominees: P.I./Procedural Novel

DEAD HUNT
Beverly Connor

NOTORIOUS
Michele Martinez

TWISTED
Andrea Kane

THE DIRTY SECRETS CLUB
Meg Gardiner

FRACTURED
Karin Slaughter

I think I might just get up and dance.