Monthly Archives: May 2009

Kanye-isms: 100% parody-free!

“Proud non-reader” Kanye West turns author.

Rapper Kanye West does not read books or respect them but nevertheless he has written one that he would like you to buy and read.

Please note: This is not a joke.

His book is 52 pages — some blank, others with just a few words — and offers his optimistic philosophy on life. One two-page section reads, “Life is 5% what happens and 95% how you react!” Another page reads “I hate the word hate!”

“‘This is a collection of thoughts and theories,’ West, 31, said in an interview about his spiral-bound volume, which was written with J. Sakiya Sandifer… ‘My favorite one is ‘Get used to being used.’”

And yet “Get used to being used” is not, apparently, printed at the bottom of sales receipts and given to people who buy the book.

“Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed.”

Says the famously un-self-absorbed West, who, instead of selfishly writing fiction, is publishing a collection of his own sayings.

“I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book’s autograph.

“I am a proud non-reader of books. I like to get information from doing stuff like actually talking to people and living real life,” he said.

West, a college dropout, said being a non-reader was helpful when he wrote his book because it gave him “a childlike purity.”

“West dedicates the book to his late mother.”

That’s his mother Donda West — an English professor.

And now I’m going to step outside, because I need to shake my head really hard to clear it, and I don’t want to crash into the walls and furniture.

(Via Book Ninja.)

1984 turns 60

In the Sunday Times, Robert Harris celebrates the sixtieth anniversary of 1984, “certainly the most influential” novel ever written — and the work that destroyed George Orwell’s health, leaving him to be “killed by his own creation.”

As I write, the Daily Mail is reporting that “town halls are routinely using controversial ‘Big Brother’ surveillance laws to spy on their own employees”; the Los Angeles Times is describing a Republican party consultant as “a master of the black art of political newspeak”; The Village Voice is citing “a ripe example of doublethink”; and The Guardian is profiling a community leader “attacked as part of the PC thought police”.

Read the whole thing. Harris notes that 1984‘s importance extends beyond its excoriation of totalitarianism:

Nineteen Eighty-Four is a standing rebuke to all those who think history or biography can ever be superior to the novel. Big Brother, the Thought Police, Newspeak, Room 101, telescreens, Doublethink, the Two-Minute Hate, the Ministry of Love, 2+2=5, Airstrip One, unperson – one has only to list the words to realise how central Nineteen Eighty-Four has become to our collective imagination. But what put the ideas there in the first place, and what keeps them there still, is the story of Winston Smith and his doomed love affair with Julia, the girl in the oily overalls who works on the novel-writing machines in the Fiction Department.

Orwell, ravaged by TB, died six months after it was published.

Sign of the day

SLAC_security

What is this?

  1. A typo
  2. An invitation to thieves
  3. Deeply reassuring, because it means the Illuminati won’t grab the antimatter today.

More goofy signs here.

Immigration officials: keeping the USA safe from elderly cancer patients

Thriller writers are always trying to come up with scientific-sounding ways to eradicate prints from a character’s fingertips. Here’s an actual technique, but it’s far from fun — not least because immigration officers couldn’t figure out how to deal with it.

Cancer patient held at airport for missing fingerprint.

HONG KONG (Reuters) – A Singapore cancer patient was held for four hours by immigration officials in the United States when they could not detect his fingerprints — which had apparently disappeared because of a drug he was taking.

The incident, highlighted in the Annals of Oncology, was reported by the patient’s doctor, Tan Eng Huat, who advised cancer patients taking this drug to carry a doctor’s letter when traveling to the United States.

“In December 2008, after more than three years of capecitabine, he went to the United States to visit his relatives… He was allowed to enter after the custom officers were satisfied that he was not a security threat.”

I feel safer already.

Unicorn tattoos: why?

Some law enforcement officials and urban medical examiners make a study of Russian prison tattoos so they can read the coded symbols and unspoken subtext of criminal life in their cities.

I follow links to absurd photo galleries about 30 Awesomely Bad Unicorn Tattoos.

But let’s call it book research.

unicorn_tattoos_1A

I don’t know which is my favorite — maybe Rambo, armed with a crossbow, on unicorn-back. Definitely not the white power unicorn with the swastika, tattooed allllllllll the way across somebody’s pasty right glute.

(Note: some images NSFW. And incredibly stupid.)

(Via Andrew Sullivan.)

Frown, you’re at the DMV

“As If It Needed to, Virginia Bans Smiles at the DMV.”

Few places in Virginia are as draining to the soul and as numbing to the buttocks as the branch offices of the Department of Motor Vehicles. And yet, until recently, smiling was still permitted there.

No more. As part of the DMV’s effort to develop super-secure driver’s licenses and foolproof identification cards, the agency has issued a smile ban, directing customers to adopt a “neutral expression” in their portraits, thereby extinguishing whatever happiness comes with finally hearing one’s number called.

The driver’s license photo, it seems, is destined to look like a mug shot.

Selma and Patty’s dream comes true.

Your questions answered: last one

Monita asks:

What is the best thing that ever happened to you?
What is the worst thing that ever happened to you?

This one has taken a lot of thought. It’s easy to come up with events that are the most exciting, most fun, most terrifying or most unexpected… things that include winning Jeopardy, and realizing too late that I had walked into the path of a rogue bull elephant in the African bush, with two grade school kids behind me.

Best and Worst are are something else.

But the answer isn’t in doubt. The best thing was was being born into a wonderful family, because so much else has flowed from that. FG_SG_MGMy parents, Frank and Sally Gardiner, gave me a warm and happy childhood. They created a home of laughter, learning, and music. They taught me to keep my eye on the ball. They took me and my siblings on adventures all around the American west, from the Cascades to White Sands National Monument. They taught me about Beethoven, and how to pick a long shot at Santa Anita. They encouraged me to believe that I could do whatever I wanted to in life, and that I should strive for excellence. They always believed in me.

And they actually introduced me to the Husband, Paul Shreve, which led to the Big Gulp moment in my life: hearing the church organ strike up, and realizing, Holy crap, that’s my tune. It’s really time to seal this deal. And that in turn led to three more exciting moments — meeting the babies who got named Kate, Mark, and Nate. And my folks loved being grandparents.

Undoubtedly the worst thing to happen in my life was losing my dad eleven years ago, May 27th, 1998. There’s not a day that I don’t miss him. We all do — I can’t tell you how many times Paul says, “I wish Frank could see this,” or “I wish Frank were here to give advice to the kids.” Before he died, my dad told me he had no regrets, and no sorrow that he was looking at the end of his own life. Then he gave me a wry smile. “But I’d love to know how the story turns out.”

MS_FG_NSI wish he could know how much he has influenced that story. He told me to do my best, and damn if I didn’t think that meant I should write a novel that might win an Edgar. He wrote a letter to my little boy, telling him to have fun in cub scouts and “always keep your eyes on Eagle.” He would have been incredibly proud the day Mark became an Eagle Scout. And equally proud the day Nate did. He encouraged Kate to learn music, and thought she was brilliant. He would have turned cartwheels the day she played the flute in front of hundreds of people — in an ensemble with the same organist who played for my wedding. At her college graduation. From Stanford.

The story’s still unfolding. So today, all I can say is: Thanks, Dad.

Your questions answered, penultimate edition

Holly asks: “What’s the story behind the heroic crimefighting animals? Had you just watched one of those shows where they give brave animals awards and felt inspired by it?”

Holly, I wish I could tell you the animals in my novels were heroic. Actually they’re not — they’re instigators of mayhem. But if my heroines are ingenious, quick off the mark, and lucky, they can turn that mayhem to their advantage. (See: Delaney, Evan, and Ferrets: use as weapons by…)

Also, monkeys are funny. Call me a child; they just are.

And Jeff asks: “I would really like to have the gory details behind the ‘martinis and fly paper’ story once hinted at by Snart.”

I’ll bet you would, Jeff. Let’s just say that when Snart sees musca domestica stuck on a toothpick in her ‘tini glass, she can be both shaken and stirred.

UPDATE: Snart disputes my version of history.

Sorry, Jeff, but Meg isn’t being exactly truthful. It wasn’t musca domestica stuck to the flypaper, but rather a larger creature, and there was no glass involved. Think vat, trampoline, and flypaper. Use your imagination. We did.

Revisionist. Fabulator. That’s all I have to say, until I can think up another account.

Gloucestershire Cheese Rolling 2009

And what did you do over the holiday weekend?

Sheesh, spammers — you don’t have to threaten me

In my email inbox today: “Answer or I’ll sue.”

How rude.

Fine, here’s your answer. I won’t buy Tamiflu from you. I doubt that your health company actually has its world headquarters in Ydjbufj, California. And I suspect that “Viagra Soft” is a poor name for the product you wish to sell.

Best Amazon product reviews ever

Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl. oz.

(Via Nathan Bransford.)

A writing question of my own

The writing question which I was grappling with today: What would an evil helper monkey do with a thermometer and a box of latex gloves?

Two more questions answered

Patti asks (after humming the Star Trek theme): “So to pull together your recent Trekkie adventures and the interview, what is your view of the split infinitive?”

Split infinitive? SPLIT INFINITIVE? From hell’s heart, I stab at thee. For hate’s sake, I spit my last breath at thee. To the last, I will grapple with thee…

Wait, that’s Khan. (And Ahab.) Split infinitives are dandy with me.

Patti also asks a question that includes a spoiler. If you want to read the whole question, it’s at this comment to my original post. Right here, however, I’ll offer the redacted version: “In the zone I’m really sure you won’t enter (but enquiring minds and all that): Are Evan and Jesse going to come at parenthood through the side door by adopting…?

To which I’ll answer: You never know.

More of your questions answered

Snart asks: “Do you feel you look at life and news differently than you did before you earned your living writing?”

Good question. I find that nowadays I regard everything that happens — in my own life or in the news — as fodder for my next thriller. That means that to me the world is full of wonderful characters and story material. I’ll never run out of plots or eccentric characters. It also means that when I find myself in an unpleasant situation, or a painful conversation, I think: Haha. You’re going in my next book, buster.

However, this also means that at times I need to pull back and remind myself to react as a normal human being and to stop taking mental notes.

And since I began writing professionally, I cannot go to a movie or watch TV without analyzing a story for plot and character development. Terminator? Classic dramatic structure. The Kingdom? Shoot ‘em up with a huge cast but only one and a half real characters. Stormchasers? A quest story.

Doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy drama — both fiction and non-fiction — any less.