Dirty Secrets Finnish edition: District of Evil

It’s always fun to open a box of books and discover a new edition — There’s a moment of suspense before I see how a foreign publisher has designed the cover.

This one — Pahuuden Piiri, the Finnish edition of The Dirty Secrets Club — makes me wish I were in San Francisco.

Google translates the title as “District of Evil.” I’ll double check that with my friends in Helsinki.

Question Time: Answers V

Chris S asks:

How crazy-detailed do you get when creating characters and story arcs? Did you decide Evan hated peanut butter as a child or who her favorite author is? Do you figure out Jo’s ten-year plan is so you know that book 7 contains her plans to move to Maui? Some authors plan, some free-flow, some say the characters can take control and move the story in a different direction than they had planned on (shades of John Lennon). What’s your mileage?

I try to be detailed but not crazy. With characters, I try to get a handle on their personalities and values as well as their age, gender, appearance, and job description. I don’t go so far as to draw up a list of their favorite foods. Some writers who are just starting out think that giving a character a list of quirky traits constitutes character development (The hero plays the nose flute and always wears a kilt!) But what counts is a character’s “voice” and the choices he or she makes.

Aside from keeping a file with bare-bones ideas, I don’t plan future books. I do outline each book before I begin to draft it. Again, I try to be detailed but not crazy. I’ll map out the inciting incident and major turning points in the story. I need to have a handle on the beginning, middle, and end. But I certainly don’t sketch or list every single scene in the book before I begin to write.

This method of planning leaves room to develop characters and plot lines as the story goes along. I don’t think characters “take control” — when authors say that, I fear that they need to adjust their medication. But certainly, as I write, characters begin to take shape, and new possibilities present themselves. The character and the story may take off in previously unsuspected directions. A psychiatrist might call this an eruption of unconscious impulses. I call it creativity.

Bonnet-rippers: the latest trend in romance novels

Sparkly vampires aren’t the only hot topic in romantic fiction these days.

Amish love stories are bestsellers in America.

Sex and violence do not play much of an open role. Drama tends to revolve around the comings and goings at church dances, teenagers testing the limits of Amish dress codes and behaviour, or flirting with outsiders. Kisses are not common on the printed page. Sex is virtually unknown.

When I attended the Romantic Times Booklovers Convention in April, the prominence of Amish romances (along with novels about demon-slayers and faeries) was noticeable. Writers: There are a lot of readers in the world, and an audience for topics that will surprise you.

Question Time: Answers IV

Stacy from Dayton asks: “Have you ever thought about writing a stand alone book? And if so, what type?”

Yes, I have thought about it. I’d love to write either a paranormal romance with a unicorn as narrator, or a cookbook.

No. Joking. Note to my editor: If I just made you spit coffee on your screen, I apologize.

But I certainly do think about writing standalone novels. I have a head full of book ideas, and not all of them involve Jo Beckett or Evan Delaney. Any standalones would be thrillers — maybe involving international intrigue, or a heist that goes horribly wrong, or global disaster.

You know, fun stuff.

Ken asks: “Apart from the obvious, such as butter and its substitutes, what do you put on your toast in the morning?”

Jam. I slather it on, the better to imagine my characters stuck in one. Then I think about how they’ll get out of it. Or in the case of certain characters named after contest winners, how they won’t.

Question Time: Answers III

Dan asks: “I’ve always wondered if any of the characters in your books are based on, or inspired by, people that you know or have met. We don’t know too much about Jo, yet… but we’ve been introduced to many of Evan’s friends – are they based on your friends and/or family?”

Short answer: No. For two reasons. One, basing characters on real people can constrain an author — often by reducing what should be fiction into a rehash of the author’s dealings with those people. (Take it from me, there’s nothing more tiresome than reading an excruciatingly accurate “fictional” recap of somebody’s feud with a neighbor or breakup with a boyfriend.) And two, it opens authors up to legal problems, particularly defamation and invasion of privacy.

Longer answer: It’s impossible to create fictional characters from whole cloth, because we live in human society. Any writer worth her salt is going to draw upon history, current events, human psychology, family politics, and her own life experience in crafting characters on the page.

What I find when I invent characters is that sometimes, in a first draft, they feel flat. Cardboard. They have a role in the story, but may be bland. They don’t seem to speak with distinctive voices. When that happens I get out of the house, go into town, and watch people. I observe the way they cut through a crowd, order coffee, ignore or help an elderly person, smile or abuse a waitress, sneer at or support their spouse, jump aboard a subway train, and snap their gum while they scope out the (younger) men on the train. And, watching the way people move, and talk, and face the world, sometimes characters click in my mind, and begin to come alive.

Final answer: Evan’s friends and family are not based on mine. Seriously. None of them. As I say in my website FAQ: Not the lethal hooker in the Catholic school uniform. Not the lovelorn fighter pilot. Not Evan’s brave, sarcastic, and wounded lover. Friends, neighbors, husband: They’re not you.

But it doesn’t matter how many times I say it. Nothing stops people who share my DNA, or went to school with me, from writing to ask who a character really is. But that’s all part of the fun.

Quote of the day: Bill Bryson

“Disturbance from cosmic background radiation is something we have all experienced. Tune your television to any channel it doesn’t receive and about 1 percent of the dancing static you see is accounted for by this ancient remnant of the Big Bang. The next time you complain that there is nothing on, remember that you can always watch the birth of the universe.”

– From A Short History of Nearly Everything

Happy Birthday, Kate!

Question Time: Answers II

Let’s grab some more questions from the list.

Snart asks: Do you still own those beige and blue saddle shoes?

No. I donated them to charity years ago.

Patti asks: Oh yes, and that thing about the ducks — what about those webbed feet?

These days it’s acceptable for ducks to go barefoot. But shy or fashion-conscious ducks can get shoes from the charity Foul Fowl Footware. I hear they have some beige and blue saddle shoes in stock.

Dana Jean asks: Have you ever thought about writing a children’s book? You have a great sense of humor, I could see you doing a great job with that.

Are you calling my humor juvenile?

And before you can say, “If it walks like a duck in saddle shoes…”

The ability to write good children’s books is a gift. It also takes a whole lot of thought and craft. I’d have to think hard about it.

(This is also a good place to remind everybody: I do not write The Princess Diaries. That’s Meg Cabot.)

However, writing a Young Adult book is a possibility, especially since The Memory Collector surprised me by proving a hit with teen readers. You never know.

The Force wasn’t with him

Jedi religion founder accuses supermarket of discrimination over rules on hoods.

Tesco has been accused of religious discrimination after the company ordered the founder of a Jedi religion to remove his hood or leave a branch of the supermarket in north Wales.

Daniel Jones, founder of the religion inspired by the Star Wars films, says he was humiliated and victimised for his beliefs following the incident at a Tesco store.

Tesco has fired back:

“He hasn’t been banned. Jedis are very welcome to shop in our stores although we would ask them to remove their hoods.

“Obi-Wan Kenobi, Yoda and Luke Skywalker all appeared hoodless without ever going over to the Dark Side and we are only aware of the Emperor as one who never removed his hood.”

Ooh, snap.

Palin speech? Betcha not.

How I love the Weekly World News.

Palin Hong Kong Speech.

“I’m going to call it like I see it,” she said early in her speech, “and I will share with you candidly a view right from Main Street, Main Street U.S.A. First there’s a deli on the corner, next to that is the barber shop…” She then went on to describe her hometown for the next 20 minutes. The assembled group of Chinese investors were bewildered, and a little disappointed. “We hired her to get a perspective on rural America, not just her town.” While Palin was mid-way through a story about the first time she made out outside a Dairy Queen, an aide whispered in her ear and she moved on with the speech.

“Ya know, our cultures are very different, but we share common dreams. Where I come from, in America, we look up to mavericks who drift away from the herd. Here, ya’ll are like those terracotta soldiers. You respect same-ey-ness. But we can all agree that we strive for the same dreams: free-market economic opportunity without government regulation.” At this the group of investors applauded loudly.

Finding new energy, Palin’s speech rambled on for an extra 15 minutes, about how the investors should channel the strength of the ancient samurai, about the tragedy of David Carradine’s death, about the one Asian couple in Alaska that she’s “pretty sure” are Chinese, how popular Pad Thai is around the world, and how “it’s great America and China can come together like this after we kicked your butt in the war.”

The photo that accompanies the story shows Palin at a lectern, in front of a map of the People’s Republic divided by a squiggly line into North China and South China. Yet despite all this — and despite the Weekly World News having Bat Boy in its logo, and the fact that other headlines on the site include “Aliens Abduct Cheerleaders” and “Megan Fox is a Man!” — dozens of commenters apparently think the article accurately reports Palin’s speech. That’s the funniest part of all.

Question time: Answers, part 1

Thanks for all the questions. I’m going to pull them randomly. First, Eddie asks:

Is there anyone you’d like to co-write with, or are you strictly solo?

Solo, though not strict. I’m a liberal, easygoing solo writer. I’m not going to go all Opus Dei on people who want to collaborate, and send an albino assassin to whip them with a cilis. For instance, I wrote Frankenstories with Maxine Clarke and Snart.

That said, I’d love to write lyrics for songs composed by the Husband. But we tried it once and nearly killed each other. After that, we limited our creative collaboration to having children.

Do you commit short stories?

Yes. But it’s been so long since I committed a short story that the statute of limitations has run, and I can’t be prosecuted.

How many licks does it take to get the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?

Zero. Pull off the wrapper and bite the thing.

What, if anything, do you miss about living in the States?

Good Mexican food, customer service, college football games on crisp autumn afternoons, marching bands, my kids, my mom, my sisters and brother, nieces and nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends.

And Halloween. Thanksgiving. Midnight Mass at the Old Mission in Santa Barbara. Reuben sandwiches. Thunderstorms over the desert in New Mexico. Hearing a double sonic boom as the space shuttle flies overhead on its way to touchdown.

That’ll hold me for now.

The Guardian recaps Gaddafi’s speech so you don’t have to read it

UN General Assembly: 100 Minutes in the Life of Muammar Gaddafi.

He tore up a copy of the UN charter in front of startled delegates, accused the security council of being an al-Qaida like terrorist body, called for George Bush and Tony Blair to be put on trial for the Iraq war, demanded $7.7tn in compensation for the ravages of colonialism on Africa, and wondered whether swine flu was a biological weapon created in a military laboratory. At one point, he even demanded to know who was behind the killing of JFK. All in all, a pretty ordinary 100 minutes in the life of the colonel.

Paperback Writer — the Beatles cartoon

Awful storytelling, cheap-ass drawings, the worst English accents since Dick Van Dyke — but the cartoon captures the way John Lennon sang into a mike on stage.

And the song is awesome.

(Via Bookninja.)

So… next week, things start to look up?

Nadir of Western Civilization To Be Reached This Friday at 3:32 p.m.

“We’ve been charting this cultural descent for generations now, from the advent of New Wave music, to the rise of scientific creationism, right through to the trampling death of several Wal-Mart greeters on the morning after Thanksgiving. Everything has been leading up to this Friday.”

“Despite the panel’s findings, many are skeptical that humanity will reach its lowest depths on Friday, claiming the humiliations are likely to continue as ever-smaller terrier breeds begin to outsmart their owners, and disgraced former congressman Tom DeLay appears in the new season of Dancing With The Stars.”

Now, if I dress up my dog as Charles Dickens, will that be considered high- or low-brow?