Ashokan Farewell

For Americans observing Memorial Day, here’s some music: the lovely “Ashokan Farewell.” Best known as the theme from Ken Burns’ PBS series The Civil War.

Fresh pots: Dave Grohl understands coffee

This is how I feel about coffee. Or, late in the day after lots of it, THIS IS HOW I FEEL ABOUT COFFEE!

But unlike Mr. Grohl, when I’ve jonesed on the bean I don’t play drums at 750 mph. I write wild wicked awesome ACTION SCENES.

Which, the next day, I edit so they’re comprehensible.

(Thanks to my son Mark — the drummer — for the link.)

(NSFW.)

Save an iPhone; shoot up the town

Could the vortex of weird crime, the global center of mind-boggling dumbassery, be shifting down the west coast from Washington to Oregon?

Dan writes: “It’s well south of Kitsap County, but maybe the insanity is catching…”

“Witness to iPhone thefts shoots at suspects, faces own arrest.”

Witter witnessed the theft and, instead of waiting for police, he took off after the men, firing at their getaway car.

He told police he intended to “shoot out the tires,” but it is unclear where the rounds ended up, though police said he fired in a direct line with the Gresham City Hall Max station and the adjacent Park & Ride.

“Witter, a customer at the store, told police he didn’t feel that his own life – or anyone else’s – was in danger. He said he was trying to help police.”

Guess what? He didn’t.

Officers ended up arresting Witter, accusing him of unlawful use of a weapon, reckless endangerment disorderly conduct and unlawful discharge of a firearm. His handgun and concealed weapons permit were seized.

“It is important to remember that no matter how frustrated one may be with crime and the criminal justice system, it is not permissible to use deadly force in this type of situation,” Gresham Sgt. Rick Wilson said in announcing Witter’s arrest. “Those two rounds could’ve gone anywhere. In fact, we’re still not sure where they went. They could’ve struck an innocent bystander or damaged property.”

Says a local gun lobbyist: “I can understand his desire to be helpful. But it was not the thing to do. You can’t shoot someone’s tires out; it’s just not TV.”

I’ll have more to say about “It’s not TV” soon. But for now: You know you’ve shown fatally bad judgment when the frickin’ gun lobbyists shake their heads at your stupidity.

As my dad used to say: God save me from people with good intentions.

Amsterdam, Day 2

More Amsterdam photos.

The offices of Luitingh, my Dutch publisher, are beyond the trees along this canal. Not bad digs.

The charming Gemma Groen, Luitingh publicist, who has shepherded me around town and kept me from getting hit by at least 2,000 bicyclists. Nice view out the window, isn’t it? She likes the view on the wall behind her, though. It’s covered with photos of Jude Law. Just, you know, for inspiration.

With Luitingh’s crack crew. Jacqueline “Blues Brother” Remmers, Majelle “Small But Dangerous” Wams, Cecile van Son, and my delightful translator, Mieke Trouw.

Yes, the buildings lean. Forward, usually. They were designed that way. Probably 350 years ago. Last night I had dinner at the restaurant with the red awning.

Side note: My son Nate works at a restaurant, and for five months, his boss didn’t realize he’s American. “He thought I was Dutch,” Nate says.

I didn’t understand how this could be — until yesterday, when I walked around Amsterdam. Of course Nate’s boss thought he was Dutch: He’s blond, and tall, and speaks excellent English.

Exhibit A: Kim van Dijk, Luitingh Editorial Director Erik Heidemann, and Gemma.

The Liar’s Lullaby: a USA Today hot summer read

USA Today has included The Liar’s Lullaby on its must-read list as one of 2010′s Hot summer books.

File this under (1) Today’s Moment of Woo! and (2) Department of Yeah, baby!

Coming soon: Armageddon science

Pastor Pete Wyoming and the Remnant would love to see this day come:

Yeah, yeah, it’s just a satire. So far.

Scientist “infected” with computer virus

You wonder where I get my ideas? From reading stories such as this, and wondering where the thriller plot ends and serious public safety issues begin.

A British scientist claims to be the first human to have been infected with a computer virus after he contaminated an electronic chip which was inserted into his hand.

Dr Mark Gasson, of the University of Reading, said the device was programmed with a virus which could transfer itself to other electronic systems it came in contact with.

Fun times ahead.

Amsterdam: the view from my window

Vampires and crosses

The allure of vampires eludes me. I don’t swoon over Edward Cullen. I only watch True Blood to hear its awesomely down-and-dirty theme song, “Do Bad Things With You.” But the undead have gotten under our cultural skin, and that’s intriguing, psychologically.

Now The Slacktivist explains why vampires can’t abide crosses.

Vampire stories tell us, for example, than any of us can have great power if only we are willing to prey on others. Feed off the blood of others and great power will be yours. This is demonstrably true. It’s how the pyramids were built. And Standard Oil.

The stories also tell us that there’s a downside to this predatory choice. You become a creature of the night, unable to stand in the light of day.

And crosses will confound you.

Some mistakenly think that this is because the cross is a holy symbol, imbued with religious power. But this is wrong. The symbol, like the thing itself, is powerless. And that’s the point. That is why vampires can’t tolerate it.

Most vampires don’t believe in the cross, but that hardly matters. It’s the idea of the thing that gives them fits. The cross confronts vampires with their opposite — with the rejection of power and its single-minded pursuit. It suggests that no one is to be treated as prey — not even an enemy. The idea of the cross, in other words, suggests that vampires have it wrong, that they have it backwards, in fact, and that those others they regard as prey are actually, somehow, winning.

This notion is incomprehensible for vampires.

If you’re interested in vampires, or symbols, read the whole thing. (Meant to link to it ages ago.)

“Let’s face it, those puppets are creepy.”

The “latent weirdness” of ventriloquism.

Rod Serling could have told you that, 50 years ago.

The Memory Collector: Dutch edition

De Memory Man. Out now!

Later this week I’ll be heading to Amsterdam to launch the novel in the Netherlands. Can’t wait.

What a way to spend a Saturday

How lucky am I?

Mark gets his degree (degrees!) from a college he loves, and his family gets to stomp and cheer and brag.

And the grads left the ceremony led by a bagpipe band. Bagpipes: the instrument that makes Americans cry. It’s Scots-Irish kryptonite.

There’s not a lot more I could ask for.

Except… just a couple of suggestions:

1) For folks who think they’ve found the perfect place to stand and video the ceremony: You had that unobstructed view because you were in the section reserved for great-grandparents and people using wheelchairs. None of them could stand up. But that broad, round ass of yours — the one I barely kept from kicking, real hard — completely blocked the view of all those octogenarians and WWII vets behind you. And that’s why I asked you to move. Really.

2) For commencement speakers: Please doublecheck your research. There is more than one Wheaton College in the United States. One is the small liberal arts institution in Norton, Massachusetts where the students happily embrace all that is implied by “liberal” and “arts” and “Massachusetts.” This is the college where you were addressing the 175th commencement. The other is an evangelical college in Illinois. So when your list of eminent Wheaton graduates starts with Billy Graham, you can be sure you’ve mixed the two colleges up. (Todd Beamer and Wes Craven didn’t attend Wheaton in Massachusetts either.)

Next time, triple-check the facts. Especially when you’re a nationally known journalist. And especially when the college is awarding you an honorary doctorate.

Oh, sorry. I forgot, these are suggestions, not rants. Just go back and insert “hypothetically” at frequent spots in the above paragraphs.

All in all, it was an awesome day.

UPDATE: Ann Curry has apologized for naming graduates of the other Wheaton College in her commencement address. Good for her.

40 inspirational speeches in two minutes

For a Friday, and for all the grads who tomorrow will put on their mortarboards and charge the field for commencement:

Picard and Peter Pan… what’s not to love?

And the fight would have been much worse if the pig cook-off had not been prestigious.

Tom writes: “It’s not Kitsap County, but mighty close…”

“Portland pig cook-off followed by brawl over the provenance of pork.”

A prestigious pig cook-off at the Governor Hotel Sunday night was followed by at least two head buttings and a fist-fight outside an Old Town strip joint. Portland police were called to break up the rumble, which sent a renowned chef and the event’s organizer to jail after one had been pepper-sprayed and the other shot with a taser.

And it was all over a pig.

The chef who allegedly started the brawl was upset that the winning pig “was brought all the way in from Iowa.” A Portland restaurateur, however, “blames the melee on chefs, egos and lots of alcohol.”

“If there’s any question why things go down, you don’t have to look past the amount of wine and booze flowin,” he said. “It was a fun event that went bummer.”

Duuude.