Part I: I can’t dog-ear the pages on my iBook. Sue!
Apple Sued Because iPad Does Not Work “Just Like A Book.”
A new class action suit filed in California takes issue with how the iPad shuts off automatically if it overheats. In particular, however, the suit claims that the marketing phrase “reading on the iPad is just like reading a book” is misleading, and that Apple is therefore engaging in fraud and misleading consumers.
Says the Husband: Yeah, because when you lick your finger and swipe it across the screen, nothing sticks. And the pages don’t flip in the wind, either.
Part II: Prepare to be deported, all you frenchy lawyers. And physicists.
Iowa GOP wants to “restore” 13th Amendment, strip lawyers, and president, of citizenship.
This isn’t about slavery, which the 13th Amendment bans. It’s about an earlier proposed amendment to the constitution, introduced in 1812 but never ratified.
Article I, Section 9, of the Constitution reads:
“No Title of Nobility shall be granted by the United States: And no Person holding any Office of Profit or Trust under them, shall, without the Consent of the Congress, accept of any present, Emolument, Office, or Title, of any kind whatever, from any King, Prince, or foreign State.”
[The] proposed amendment extended the ban from office-holders to “any citizen of the United States” and made the penalty loss of citizenship.
“To quote the Web site Constitutional Concepts, ‘This Amendment was for the specific purpose of banning participation in government operations by attorneys and bankers who claimed the Title of Nobility of ‘Esquire.’”
Which would mean… me. Gee, thanks. I mean, I think the lawyers suing Apple because the iPad isn’t literally a paperback are stupid and greedy, but I wouldn’t go so far as stripping them of citizenship. And if the amendment is ever enacted into law, will the Iowa GOP provide me with a one-way ticket to the Bahamas, or will they just stand on the beach prodding me into the ocean with a broomstick?
But wait, could this be a misinterpretation of the word, “title”? An example of unintended consequences?
Naturally, most lawyers see it differently. “The esquire thing is ridiculous,” says R. B. Bernstein, a professor at New York Law School and author of Amending America. “‘Esquire’ is not a title of nobility.
And lawyers aren’t actually the main target of the plank.
There are, of course, other implications of Thirteenthism, such as ensuring that the United States never again suffers the humiliation of having a president win the Nobel Peace Prize. That was just what the Iowa Republicans had in mind, according to Plogmann, who wrote in an e-mail that the plank “was meant to make a statement about the delegates’ opinion about Mr. Obama receiving the prize.”
(Presumably they didn’t mind if, in the process, they were also making a statement about any American scientist or writer unlucky enough to win a Nobel.)
Yeah, take that, Walter Kohn, and Toni Morrison, and Vernon Smith, and Linda Buck. Start swimming.
Oh, wait –
[T]he Department of Justice looked into whether Obama needed Congressional approval to accept the Nobel under the existing emoluments clause, and based on the meaning of “foreign state” (which would not cover the Nobel Prize Committee) concluded that he did not.
Maybe I’ll unpack my bikini. And wait for more examples of stupidity. They should be along soon.
No, it was never a title of nobility (see pedantry below).
And, oddly, Canada manages to have rules (albeit a little fuzzy) about citizenship and titles from foreign nations (just ask Lord Black of Cross Harbour, who renounced his Canadian citizenship in order to be a baron, but now that he’s stuck in Florida on parole wants it back), while not having to set its Nobel laureates or lawyers adrift. However, if any of them pull a class action suit like the one above, I say sharpen the broomsticks and start p0king.
First, from one of those suspect furren dikshunaries (OED):
1. a. Chivalry. A young man of gentle birth, who as an aspirant to knighthood, attended upon a knight, carried his shield, and rendered him other services. (Now only arch., the form SQUIRE being commonly used Hist.) Cf. ARMIGER, PAGE.
1475 CAXTON Jason, Ther ne abode knight ne esquyer in the sadyl. 1601 F. TATE Househ. Ord. Edw. II, §1 (1876) 6 If he be but an ordinari knight..he shal have diet for two esquiers. 1656 COWLEY Davideis IV. 849 This saw, and heard with joy the brave Esquire..fill’d with his Masters fire. 1852 C. M. YONGE Cameos II. xviii. 193 Hard work the good esquire seems to have had.
{dag}b. As a rendering of L. armiger armour-bearer, Gr. {uasper}{pi}{alpha}{sigma}{pi}{iota}{sigma}{tau}{ghacu}{fsigma} shield-bearer. Obs.
1553 BRENDE Q. Curtius 172 (R.) Alexander..willed a weapon to be deliuered to hys hands, as other esquiers vsed. 1603 HOLLAND Plutarch’s Mor. 427 His [Epaminondas'] esquire or shield-bearer had received a good piece of money for the ransome of a prisoner. 1609 BIBLE (Douay) 1 Macc. iv. 30 Jonathas Sauls sonne, and..his esquyer.
c. Applied to various officers in the service of a king or nobleman, as esquire for (or of) the body, esquire of the chamber, esquire of the stable [cf. EQUERRY, which was sometimes confused with this], carving esquire, etc.
1495 Act 11 Hen. VII, c. 32 §7 David Philippe, Esquyer for the body of oure Sovereign Lord the Kyng. 1587 FLEMING Contn. Holinshed III. 1381/2 Chiefe escuir of the kings escuir, and the other escuires of the escuir togither. 1601 F. TATE Househ. Ord. Edw. II, §26 (1876) 18 The kinge shall have..an esquier to carve before the kinge.
2. A man belonging to the higher order of English gentry, ranking immediately below a knight.
Of esquires, legally so called, there are, according to some authorities, five classes: ‘(1) younger sons of peers and their eldest sons; (2) eldest sons of knights, and their eldest sons; (3) chiefs of ancient families (by prescription); (4) esquires by creation or office, as heralds and sergeants of arms, judges, officers of state, naval and military officers, justices of the peace, barristers-at-law; (5) esquires who attend the Knight of the Bath on his installation{em}usually two specially appointed’ (Encycl. Brit., s.v.). The correctness of this enumeration, however, is greatly disputed; it would be impossible here to state the divergent views on the subject. In heraldic Latin the equivalent of esquire was armiger, properly = ‘armour-bearer’, but often taken in the sense ‘one bearing (heraldic) arms’; hence, in 16th and 17th c. esquire was sometimes explained as meaning a man entitled to coat-armour; but by accurate writers this is condemned as involving the confusion between ‘esquire’ and ‘gentleman’.
c1460 FORTESCUE Abs. & Lim. Mon. (1714) 41 His Highness schal then have.. aboute his Persone..Lords, Knights, and Esquyers. 1535 WRIOTHESLEY Chron. (1875) I. 27 A jurie of esquiers and gentlemen of Middlesex were sworne to passe on them. 1577 HARRISON England II. v. (1877) 1. 127 Esquire (which we call commonlie Squire) is a French word..and such are all those which beare armes..testimonies of their race. 1793 BLACKSTONE Comm. I. ix. (ed. 12) 352 The statute 13 Ric. II. c. 7 orders them [justices of the peace] to be of the most sufficient knights, esquires, and gentlemen of the law. 1818 CRUISE Digest (ed. 2) III. 265 The second sort of persons were those who had titles, as esquires, etc.
b. A landed proprietor, (country) ‘squire’. arch.
1597 SHAKES. 2 Hen. IV, III. ii. 63, I am Robert Shallow (Sir) a poore Esquire of this Countie, and one of the Kings Justices of the Peace. 1827 LYTTON Pelham xii, There was, indeed, a motley congregation; country esquires; extracts from the universities; half-pay officers, [etc.]. 1848 MACAULAY Hist. Eng. iii. (L.), An esquire passed among his neighbours for a great scholar, if, etc.
3. As a title accompanying a man’s name. Originally applied to those who were ‘esquires’ in sense 2; subsequently extended to other persons to whom an equivalent degree of rank or status is by courtesy attributed. a. Following the surname preceded by the Christian name. In formal documents written in full; elsewhere commonly abbreviated Esq. or Esqr. (In ceremonious use, e.g. in legal writings or in genealogy, when the name of the person’s estate or of his place of residence is given, the title is, by English custom, placed last, as ‘A.B., of C., Esquire’; in Scotland, on the contrary, the title immediately follows the surname. Similarly, in England the title ‘esquire’ traditionally follows the designation ‘Junior’ or ‘The Younger’, but in Scotland precedes it.)
The designation of ‘esquire’ is now commonly understood to be due by courtesy to all persons (not in clerical orders or having any higher title of rank) who are regarded as ‘gentlemen’ by birth, position, or education. It is used only on occasions of more or less ceremonious mention, and in the addresses of letters, etc.; on other occasions the prefix ‘Mr.’ is employed instead. When ‘esquire’ is appended to a name, no prefixed title (such as ‘Mr.,’ ‘Doctor,’ ‘Captain,’ etc.) is used. In the U.S. the title belongs officially to lawyers and public officers.
1552-3 Inv. Ch. Goods, Staffs. in Ann. Litchfield IV. 46 Walter Wrotcheley & Edward Lyttylton, esquyors, by vertue of the kynges majesties comyssion. 1599 SHAKES. Hen. V, IV. viii. 109 Davy Gam, esquire. 1655 FULLER Ch. Hist. IX. vi. §2 Anthony Brown at Tolethorp in Rutland Esquire. 1709 STEELE Tatler No. 19 {page}2 If you read the superscriptions to all the offices in the kingdom, you will not find three letters directed to any but esquires. 1711 BUDGELL Spect. No. 150 {page}7 My Banker..writes me Mr. or Esq.; accordingly as he sees me dressed. 1711 HEARNE Collect. (Oxf. Hist. Soc.) III. 111, I shall be glad to know..whether he be Esqr. that I may give him his true Title when I reprint the List. 1867 MISS MULOCK Two Marriages I. 42 ‘Jane, wife of Mr. John Bowerbank’ (he was not Esquire then). 1887 Scott. Leader 12 May 6 The Clerk said that some letters were addressed Esquire and some not.
{dag}b. Preceding the surname. Obs. (Cf. the similar use of SQUIRE.)
1710 Lond. Gaz. No. 4761/4 Stolen..out of Esquire Chester’s Stables..a..Horse. 1712 ARBUTHNOT John Bull (1755) 1 His cousin esquire South. 1730 SOUTHALL Bugs 17 Esquire [ed. 2 (1793) Mr.] Pitfield and Mr. White.
4. [transf. use of 1.] A gentleman who attends or escorts a lady in public. Cf. SQUIRE.
1824 BYRON Juan XVI. ci, Their docile esquires also did the same. 1875 W. S. HAYWARD Love agst. World 13 ‘Come on, my brave esquire,’ said Florence.
5. Comb. Only appositive; chiefly in sense 1c. Also esquire bedel: see BEADLE 3.
c1600 Epitaph in Strype Stow’s Surv. (1754) I. III. i. 535/1 Esquire-Joyner to our Queen. 1601 F. TATE Househ. Ord. Edw. II, §14 (1876) 13 This esquier fruiterer shal take every night for his coch, a galon of beare. 1797 T. JOHNES tr. La Brocquière’s Trav. 48 Among them was his [Duke Philip le Bon's] first esquire carver La Brocquière.
I want to be the “esquier fruiterer,” although I might never be heard from again (and wouldn’t that be a blessing?).
And from the American Heritage Dictionary (when I was a kid, in our household nicknamed “the dirty dictionary” because it had all the swear words in it)
es·quire (ĕsˈkwīrˌ, ĭ-skwīrˈ)
noun
1. A man or boy who is a member of the gentry in England ranking directly below a knight.
2. Abbr. Esq. Used as an honorific usually in its abbreviated form, especially after the name of an attorney or a consular officer: Jane Doe, Esq.; John Doe, Esq.
3. In medieval times, a candidate for knighthood who served a knight as an attendant and a shield bearer.
4. Archaic An English country gentleman; a squire.
Origin: Middle English esquier, from Old French escuier, from Late Latin scūtārius, shield bearer, from Latin scūtum, shield; see skei- in Indo-European roots.
Up early, and had our coffee, have we, Patti? In copious quantities?
I have printed out your comment and, when the thirteenthers come for me, will unfurl it and escape while they try to climb out from under it.
Many thanks!
This is why I never vote for politicians. I always write in Dave Barry. Some day I expect an angry phone call from him should more and more people come around to my way of thinking. :>)
Either that, or he’ll thank you when he’s elected.
Sorry (sincerely)–the notion that a certain amount of blocking and deleting was in order occurred a few hundredths of a second too late.
Well, as a 23-year resident of the great state of Iowa, I would just like to say, “I WAS BORN IN CALIFORNIA!!!”
Of course, I followed the link in the Newsweek article and took a quick look at the Iowa GOP Platform and it appears pretty clear that they must have intended the entire thing as a tongue-in-cheek, “The Onion” type of parody, because the forth plank from the end, plank 14.08, reads, “We expect political campaigns to be conducted in a positive and truthful manner.”
On the other hand, the Iowa GOP deserves some credit, because while I was reading the platform on my computer, it never overheated, and the pages both looked and smelled like real parchment.