Monthly Archives: November 2011

This week’s sign of the apocalypse: Jersey Shore-naments

Rich writes: “Just shoot me now.”

Jersey Shore Christmas ornaments.

Yes, now you can celebrate the birth of Jesus by decorating your tree with Snooki and her heaving, spangly boobs, plus the Situation hoisting his shirt to admire his own physique. The only thing less appropriate would be Westboro Baptist Church decorations: little protesters with hideous picket signs, screaming abuse every time you pass the tree.

To counter this abomination, I suggest another ornament: Jack Reacher. At 4 a.m., he climbs down the Christmas tree and rips the Jersey Shore ornaments to shreds.

Happy Thanksgiving

To all who are celebrating today: Have a wonderful Thanksgiving. I’m thankful for my wonderful family and friends, and for all of you who come to the blog with a spirit of warmth, wit, and generosity. I’m grateful!

Greetings from L.A.

Hello from Los Angeles. I know I am in Los Angeles because (a) the sky map on the flight showed an animated jet scooting across the globe and touching down here, (b) the hotel restaurant has a four-foot-tall glossy photo of Kim Kardashian on the wall, (c) from the hotel window I can see the Hollywood sign, and (d) the hotel pool is surrounded by yellow police tape. If I have time, I will sneak down to see if William Holden is floating face down in the water and recounting the story of Sunset Boulevard with sardonic, dead-man’s wit.

What’s up with everybody else?

Butlers, dwarfs & the apocalypse: bizarre things I’ve heard this week

Entry #47,987 in the category “When you think the world can’t get weirder.” Here are things I’ve seen, heard, and read this past week.

A) A coffee commercial featuring a sexy man — a British knockoff of the Old Spice Guy — saying the words that women supposedly most desire to hear: “I’m going to move my things out of the bedroom so there’ll be more room for your giant handbags.” This played during an episode of Hoarders: Buried Alive. And don’t judge me for watching Hoarders.

B) While getting my hair cut, I heard about two new party trends: (1) naked butlers (2) dwarf catapults. Yes, apparently you can hire dwarfs to wear Velcro suits and be shot at a cloth target from a catapult. I was horrified. I loudly said that dwarf catapulting was the most absurd thing I’d ever heard of. If I were to hire people of short stature, I said, it would be to climb into tight spaces where I’m too gangly to fit — such as air ducts in high end jewelry stores, so they could carry off a diamond heist fit for Ocean’s Eleven. Yeah. Now everybody at the hair salon thinks I’m the weird one.

C) Slam those novels shut and hang your heads in shame, folks: “When our daily news is apocalyptic, it’s irresponsible to read made-up stories. It’s time to start reading the serious stuff instead.” So claims one anxious, frowning columnist in the Guardian.

No time for novels – should we ditch fiction in times of crisis?

“To dress extravagantly in wartime is worse than bad form. It is unpatriotic.” When the news is so apocalyptic, and there is so much to understand, and a lot of it is quite basic (what’s the point of low interest rates again? How do you devalue a currency? Why are there so many earthquakes? Tell me one more time about tectonic plates; I promise this time I’ll listen … ), it feels more than frivolous to read about made-up people. It feels unpatriotic. Or, to put it another way, it is like watching the telly when you have homework.

Go on and read the entire po-faced article. You won’t find any sign that it’s a joke. I looked. It’s not there. The author is serious.

And that, folks, is the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard this week.

36 hours in my hometown – and Evan Delaney’s

The New York Times suggests food, drink, beaches and hiking for a short break in Santa Barbara. And I count at least six places that are mentioned in the Evan Delaney novels.

36 Hours in Santa Barbara, California.

And I’m thrilled to learn that the drive-in movie theater near the airport is open again. Popcorn and cheesy monster movies for everyone!

(Thanks to Kate for the link.)

Editmania, Friday edition

Things I am having fun reading while I whip the draft of my new novel into shape (and by whip, I mean whip):

Literary Devices — Check out the site for more examples like the cartoon above. I want a Foreshadow Puppet.

The Cliché Finder

Here are Ten clichés, random chosen from our list of 2,000+ clichés…

put your best foot forward
Any old stocking can find a old shoe
Monday-morning quarterback
rise and shine
you took the words right out of my mouth
pull yourself up by the bootstraps
it’s a dilly
salad days
nip in the bud
America, the melting pot of the world

Silence and the Speed of Sound

Worst of all in ignoring physical reality is the silenced sniper rifle. These things pop up all over the mystery and thriller landscape. They are used when an assassin wants to kill someone from a distance so that the assassin can get away without detection. Prepare yourself for the shock: this scenario is also impossible!

Research, folks. Research.

Bring out the torches and spears: It’s editarama!

Editing equipment:

Scissors — check.

Thesaurus — check.

Star Trek fight-to-the-death music — check.

Sticks knife between teeth, leaps on book.

I now surrender completely to word games

And to Star Trek.

Also: Command-B.

(Via George Takei.)

Travel recap: Wordpool, Blackpool, Liverpool

I have been to The North.

A ways north, in any case. Last week I appeared at Wordpool, the energetic and thoroughly enjoyable writing festival in Blackpool. Here are a few photos.

Blackpool is a summer beach resort on the Irish Sea. Wordpool takes place in November. So the town was quiet. But the views of the sea were spectacular — silvery, slick and flat, almost like mercury poured out on a sheet of glass. And I grew up near the beach in southern California, so waking up to the sound of waves breaking on the beach really made me feel at home.

Here’s the “Suspense and Secrets” panel: me, moderator Ian Lamond, Zoë Sharp, Jenn Ashworth, and Wordpool maestro Jane Brooks. Our discussion took place at the fabulously refubished Blackpool Central Library.

Blackpool has a history of cabaret and club entertainment. (The Beatles played Blackpool in the early 60s.) The hotel where the Husband and I stayed boasted LIVE ENTERTAINMENT EVERY NIGHT. As it for at least a hundred years. Photos of performers bedeck the halls.

And the night we stayed there, a trio of slinky young ladies was performing hits from Chicago. They were good. They were hot. The Husband and I couldn’t get through the door to the cabaret, because it was blocked by shopmobility scooters. We were the youngest guests at the hotel by thirty years. And all the other guests were wonderful — cheery, friendly, laughing, having a great time. In fact, everybody in Blackpool was open and welcoming and full of good humor.

We had a great time. Which made the hotel’s idiosyncrasies endearing. Such as the fact that it had no towels. And no phone in the room. And that when we checked in we were handed an instruction sheet that said: “Your key is blue. This means your breakfast time is 7:45 a.m.” (Us and 100 other guests. In the morning we had to line up outside the restaurant and have our keys checked, like we were boarding a Ryanair flight.) And that the hotel turned off the heat and hot water overnight. When they turned the boilers on again at 5:30 a.m., the walls and ceiling and floors crackled and groaned and shrieked. It was marvelous. Like being in The Shining.

The Husband said, “You’d think a hotel that includes the word ‘Grand’ in its advertising would be…” I said, “What, grand?” I pointed at the hotel’s notice board. Tacked front and center was a poster advertising a rival hotel up the road. That should have been our first clue. But in the end all was well. The Husband got to experience time travel to the 1950s.

I must also thank David Riley, better known around this blog as Gnomefinger, who encouraged Wordpool to invite me to speak, and helped promote the event. It was great to meet him at last.

And on the way home we finally made the pilgrimage. The one Paul has wanted to make since he was a kid and first heard the opening chord of “A Hard Day’s Night.” We went to Liverpool.

We spent several hours following the Beatles trail. I posted a Penny Lane photo a couple of days ago (and the barbershop is still there on the corner — its motto is “Above us only hair.” Really.) Above is Paul at Strawberry Fields.

Here’s the street where George Harrison grew up. His house is in the row on the right. It was extremely basic: two up, two down — and no indoor plumbing.

The day finished with a descent into the Cavern.

And that’s the last place I saw the Husband. He wended his way down, and down, the stairs — the club is about three floors below ground. What happened then I can’t be sure of. But I think he was raptured.

Quite a day in the life.

What’s the sequel to Sharktopus? Sharktopi?

Mmm… Sharktopie.

Syfy’s 16 Most Awesomely Bad Horror Movie Titles.

I’ve seen most of these movies. Yes, including Mongolian Death Worm. Perhaps I need help. Or maybe I just need to round out my viewing with Mansquito. (And of course Piranhaconda.)

The screaming cheesy delicious awfulness of these monster flicks is what makes them generally wonderful to watch. So let’s think up some more movies for Syfy to film.

  • Tyrannoshroom
  • Barracowda
  • Eeligator vs. Velocipig
  • Swamp Lobsters
  • America’s Next Top Model vs. Tyradactyl

Any other suggestions?

(Thanks to Jason for the link.)

Today in plagiarism: Assassin of Secrets

If you haven’t heard, a new spy novel, Assassin of Secrets by Q.R. Markham, has been yanked from the shelves in the U.S. and had its U.K. publication canceled. That’s because it’s the biggest stitch-up in decades. And by stitch-up I mean a piece of plagiarism so thorough that it’s not even a novel in its own right but a quilt knitted together from James Bond and Robert Ludlum books.

James Bond’s words live twice in plagiarised novel.

Assiduous sleuthing by James Bond fans has forced QR Markham’s newly published spy thriller Assassin of Secrets to be pulled from shelves after it was discovered that it was lifted almost wholesale from an amalgamation of other novels, including 007 titles.

The novel by QR Markham – an alias for Brooklyn bookseller and poet Quentin Rowan – was published last week in the US and was due out this week in the UK. The story of “top operative” Jonathan Chase, who will “protect and serve his country at all costs” as he battles “shadowy organisation” the Zero Directorate who are “kidnapping, interrogating and murdering spies”, it had reaped a host of pre-publication praise, described as an “instant classic [which] takes on the greatest spy thrillers of the cold war and doesn’t just hold its own, but wins” by the author Jeremy Duns, and given a starred review from US book bible Kirkus, which described it as “a dazzling, deftly controlled debut that moves through familiar territory with wry sophistication”.

The territory, alas, turned out to be all too familiar, and after the plagiarism was uncovered by online commenters on a James Bond forum, Assassin of Secrets was withdrawn from sale in the US – its American publisher Little, Brown is offering a refund to customers who bought it – while its UK publisher Hodder & Stoughton is also pulling the novel.

The New Yorker has more (Q.R. Markham’s Plagiarism Puzzle) and wonders if Assassin of Secrets is “an elaborate ruse.”

In other words, was this some bizarre joke by the author and his publishers, to gin up publicity? Was Assassin of Secrets some form of meta-commentary on spy fiction, or a post-modern prank  — the literary version of Joaquin Phoenix growing a beard and pretending to be crazy?

No.

Little, Brown has withdrawn the book in the U.S., and Hodder has canceled British publication. That could mean fifty to a hundred grand in publishers’ costs down the drain. And the authors Markham got to blurb the book have been left hanging in the wind. Both Jeremy Duns and Duane Swierczynski have been caught flatfooted, feeling embarrassed and angry and duped.

I’ve read a lot of online commentary asking how publishers and reviewers failed to spot that the book was full of stolen material – sentences, paragraphs, entire pages lifted verbatim from other works. Some commenters cite this case as proof of “publishers’ stupidity.” (Generally followed by, “Nobody will publish my masterpiece, but they put out this trash.”) But in fact Markham was clever enough to steal from novels that are decades old. Even professional editors and spy novelists steeped in the works of the genre didn’t recognize 30- or 40-year-old bits of text. As for the authors who blurbed the book, they got burned. (And when Jeremy Duns figured it out, he’s the one who alerted Hodder.) But I see how it happened. Established publishers were putting out the book. That served as a form of quality control. A debut novel, from Little, Brown? You assume it’s authentic. And that assumption is reasonable. You don’t expect to be tricked.

Some commenters also want to know why Little, Brown — and every other publisher out there — doesn’t run every prospective novel through a software program that checks for plagiarism. Because they don’t. And if they start to do so, it’ll mean that trust has completely collapsed between authors and publishers. Frankly, I hope we don’t end up there. If we do, thank this jackass Markham. Which, by the way, isn’t even his real name.

I also wonder why he did it. Sewing together an entire novel-length work from other books, and having it cohere into a story that reviewers praise, seems like it would take massive effort and skill. And he was taking such a risk. Why didn’t he take another form of risk, one that didn’t entail the possibility for utter ruin, and write his own book?

Oh, right. Jackass.

Yes, I’ve been to Liverpool

More photos and a recap of my expedition to the North soon.

Tonight: Secrets & Suspense in Blackpool

Tonight I’ll be in Blackpool for the Wordpool festival. I’m talking about “Secrets and Suspense” with Jenn Ashworth and Zoë Sharp.

“Secrets and Suspense”
7 – 8:45 p.m.
Blackpool Central Library
email: artsdevelopment@blackpool.gov.uk

I hope to see some of you there. Because, you know — secrets. And suspense. And you know you can’t resist that stuff.

Sunday links: movie poster messages, misunderstood mimes

First: Wonderful stuff — and fun. Bonus: Father Ted clip.

Thirteen movie poster trends that are here to stay and what they say about their movies.

Second: What is wrong with these people?

“It’s hard out there for a mime.”

A masked teen who took to the streets Tuesday night to pay homage to his favorite hip hop dance group was mistaken for a mime and asked by police to leave because “some residents apparently find mimes disconcerting,” according to police reports.

Sorin Dumitru of Buffalo Grove, Illinois, was dancing on a street corner. Just for fun.

But not used to seeing street performers in a residential neighborhood, some neighbors were confused and called police.

When police arrived at around 5:30 p.m., they told Dumitru that he might be dancing too close to the street, particularly as it was getting dark, he said.

“Dancing too close to the street, particularly as it was getting dark.” See synonyms: (1) fear, (2) stupidity, (3) demands for conformity, (4) humorlessness (5) Get off my lawn, you kids!

And what’s wrong with street mime?

(Thanks to Rich for the link.)