lying for a living

In The Telegraph, John Sutherland explains how crime writers capture readers via “signature” titles — e.g. titles that all include colors, nursery rhymes, the letter D…

Why do authors of crime novels cultivate the signature title? Because they know how readers of crime novels operate. They’re addicts, poor saps. Like problem drinkers, they stick, loyally and insatiably, to their favourite tipple.

‘Make mine Mosley,’ they say, or ‘Siegel’, or ‘Harvey’. They want the same fix, time after time. ‘I’m here,’ the signature title shouts. ‘Another one by your old friend [fill in the blank]. Come buy, come buy.’ And we do.

Of course we want readers addicted. That’s why the pages of all my books are impregnated with nicotine.

“Spell-check runs amok in Pa. yearbook.“

MIDDLETOWN, Pa. - A computer spell-checker run amok christened several Pennsylvania high school students with new — and in some cases unflattering — last names.

Middletown Area High School’s yearbook listed Max Zupanovic as “Max Supernova,” Kathy Carbaugh as “Kathy Airbag” and Alessandra Ippolito as “Alexandria Impolite,” just to name a few.

The yearbook’s publisher is going to provide free stickers printed with the correct names. But the company sounds defensive about their entirely foreseeable — and avoidable — error. According to a spokesman:

“It happens all the time, every year,” Patrick said. “Look at any yearbook in the country.”

Note: That does not mean it’s a natural phenomenon. It means your company is lazy, sloppy, and unconcerned about fixing the problem. Jeez. As my husband says, some people just don’t deserve to stay in business.

However, I wouldn’t have minded being relabeled Meg Supernova.

(Thanks to Dan for the link.)

The Freakonomics blog has an entertaining Q & A with Craig Glenday, editor of the Guinness Book of World Records.

Q: Of the records for which you still accept entries, which in your opinion is the most dangerous to attempt? Of the records for which you no longer accept entries, which is the most dangerous?

A: By far the most dangerous record category, in my opinion, is the Banzai Skydive. This involves taking an aircraft to a given height (3,000 meters, so just short of 10,000 feet), throwing your parachute out of the door, then waiting as long as possible before jumping after it. The aim, then, is clear: free fall towards the parachute, catch it, strap it on, and deploy before hitting the ground. The longest wait yet is, incredibly, 50 seconds by Yasuhiro Kubo of Japan.

A banzai skydiver, I think, exemplifies the word “motivated.”

The question that might be going through many a mind is: why do we accept this yet not allow claims such as fastest drive across America, or longest journey on horseback? This is how we make the distinction, really: if you put your life at risk, then fine; if you put someone else’s life at risk, not fine.

So put down your scalpels, kiddie doctors — they no longer accept records for the youngest person to perform surgery.

Two more covers for upcoming U.S. paperback editions: Mission Canyon, to be published in August, and Jericho Point, out in September.

Yes, the covers for the Evan Delaney series riff off the artwork for The Dirty Secrets Club. Primary colors, with photographic images visible within the text of the title — like a glimpse through a window. They’re saying: Come in. Open the book, and discover the whole story.

Are you tired of listmania? 500 places to see before you turn thirty. 100 films you must watch. Top 50 authors. 27 restaurants where you HAVE to eat. 45 skyscrapers you just gotta BASE jump from if you don’t want to be considered uncool. 17 best ways to extinguish the flames when you’ve accidentally set yourself on fire.

“1001 Books You Must Read Before You Die.”

Nige at Thought Experiments has had enough.

To me this list looks more like 900-plus books not to waste your time with. Which brings me to my proposed list - 100 Books To Read After You Die. This is for all those ‘critically acclaimed’ or highly (and apparently reliably) recommended books you read and afterwards regretted wasting so much of your life on - books, in other words, that can safely be put off till after death.

“Keep your life for the books that really are worth the effort, save the rest till you’re dead.”

I’d start my list with any book whose title begins, “The Secret of.” Because (a) if the book got it wrong, I could snark about it for eternity, and (b) if I got it wrong, there’d still be the chance that it’s a karmic universe, and I’ll be getting another lifetime to keep from screwing up again.

(And yes, I know my previous post is a Top 150 list. Featuring my book. Obviously I’m a listmaniac.)

(Via Books, Inq.)

Many authors suffer book nightmares. An over-eager proofreader once altered dialogue in my novel Kill Chain so that all the characters, including an East End hit man, spoke as though reciting from an etiquette manual. (And I once again thank my editor Sue Fletcher for restoring the dialogue to its deliberately ungrammatical state for the paperback edition.) Val McDermid supposedly learned that the final pages of one of her novels had been omitted from the book when readers began asking her about the abrupt ending. And political commentator Andrew Sullivan discovered that a couple of chapters of his most recent book had been printed with pages out of order. His publisher had to recall the entire print run, pulp it, and reprint the book.

But those nightmares came about because of incompetence or misplaced good intentions. Not malice. Unlike this cockup: “Yearbook photos botched in ‘unfortunate lapse.’”

McKINNEY, Texas (AP) — School officials say they are appalled by altered photos — including heads on different bodies — in hundreds of McKinney High School yearbooks delivered this week.

Besides the head and body switching, some necks were stretched, one girl’s arm was missing and another girl’s head was placed on what appeared to be a nude body, with the chest blurred.

A spokeswoman for Minnesota-based Lifetouch National School Studios Inc. said the alterations were “an unfortunate lapse in judgment” by an employee, but she didn’t believe it was malicious.

“Not malicious”? Does Lifetouch expect anybody to believe their bullsh*t? In what universe does doctoring photos of teenagers to look like they’re naked or have their arms chopped off count as innocent? In a book that’s handed out to their all friends and classmates, that’s meant as a memento of their years in school, and stays on the bookshelf for decades?

Lifetouch “is taking full responsibility for the altered pictures, about 30 in all, and will pay to have the publication reprinted before the seniors graduate.”

“Before the seniors graduate” — that’s the kicker. Because if the book isn’t redone now, the mistake stays forever. And that bites.

If I sound exercised about this, it’s because my worst book nightmare happened when my daughter was left out of her senior yearbook.

And it wasn’t simply that her photo was omitted. She attended a small high school, and seniors were each given half a page in the yearbook to make their own. Each page included the senior’s photo, but also messages they wrote and personal photos they selected. It was a big deal. Kate spent weeks working on her senior page.

When the yearbook arrived, just before graduation, she wasn’t in it.

Cue excuse-making and finger-pointing by the people responsible, including the assertion that Kate had never submitted her page in the first place. That allegation fell apart when the page was found, ruined, on the floor behind a cabinet in the yearbook office.

Hers wasn’t the only page omitted, either. And the yearbook was not reprinted.

Two points about these fiascoes. (1) Making kids cry because you’ve permanently erased them from their yearbook is bad. (2) Don’t mess with the high school yearbook. (3) Jerks.

And for the record, it’s not true that the people who botched my daughter’s yearbook fled into the woods behind the school when we came to hunt them down with dogs. Our dog is a Labrador and couldn’t hunt anybody down to save his own life.

Dan sends a link to Book Decor, “Your source for decorative antique leather bound books.”

Cool, I thought. Antique books — sounds like this is a good resource for people seeking hard-to-find editions of their old favorites. Then I noticed the ordering options. Books by the Foot. Books by the Yard.

I see. These are “decorative” books, offered to improve the aesthetic of your bookshelf. I was still okay with the concept. I’m an author. I would love for readers to order my books by the yard. By the wagon load. In giant shipping containers. In fact, if you order a freight train full of Kill Chain and The Dirty Secrets Club, I’ll turn up at your house and personally place each copy on the bookshelf for you. Then I’ll make lunch. I’ll even clean up. Let me repeat: IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO BUY TOO MANY COPIES OF MY BOOKS.

But. The books sold Book Decor are purely decorative. Their purpose is to “create impressive in-home libraries.” And there’s no beating around the bush: “When shopping for a leather book collection to put on display, exterior beauty is the only thing that matters. The text on the inside is of zero importance.”

Our books are so beautiful on the outside that their interior ceases to be important. What’s more, they are available for purchase by the foot as well as the yard. In other words, no more spending hours in used bookstores looking for space fillers. At Book Décor, this process takes a matter of seconds!

“The text on the inside is of zero importance.” The only thing that would perfect such a library is a framed diploma from the university degree mill that emails me every day, promising that Ph.D “You DESERVE!”

Dan notes: “Personally, a little piece of me died inside when I read this… What happened to the joy of reading and collecting your favorite books?”

Don’t despair, Dan. When the power goes out, the people who’ve bought decorative libraries will be stuck in the dark without Survivor or Grand Theft Auto 4, and only shelf after shelf of pretty, useless books in Danish. (That’s right — Book Decor doesn’t supply books in English.) But you’ll have a hurricane lantern and your copy of To Kill a Mockingbird. (And Jericho Point.)

“Honestly, if this book had been written at almost any other time, it would have been pretty damn boring.”

Atticus Finch reveals all in The Onion.

After old Bob Ewell closed that chapter in our lives by falling on his knife, the kids settled into their schoolwork and joined glee club. Jem played baseball for a while, but he didn’t really like it. Sometimes they’d drop in at the Radley place to pay their regards to Arthur. They even stopped calling him Boo. After a couple years he died of pneumonia. Or was it diabetes? I suppose I was saddened that he didn’t live to see another adventure—but then again, how many chances does one reclusive idiot man-child usually get to stand up for justice in the face of small-minded ignorance, and change the course of a community forever?

As for Scout, “I guess she was all adventured out after she got knocked down in her ham outfit.”

He’s only revealing what all writers know about our characters. Readers say, “Their lives are so tense.” Well, no. If I’m going to write about Evan Delaney’s year, do you think I’m going to talk about the fifty-one weeks when she does laundry, goes grocery shopping, and stands in line at the post office without being chased by crazed Chihuahuas/homicidal rock singers/lethal ex-hookers?

Atticus Finch, in his wisdom, understands. “There’s no denying it was a narratively gripping time.”

Here’s the Russian edition of Mission Canyon. I know it’s Mission Canyon because my son translated the title for me. I shoved it into his hands, blurting, “What does it say? What does it say!” He put on his best Hunt for Red October accent and ran his finger across the text. “Meg Garrrr-dee-ner.” Next line. “Cahn-yon.” Next word. “Umm…”

His year of studying Russian to meet the foreign language requirement has really paid off.

I can’t tell you how much I love this cover. It’s like having my very own episode of Starsky and Hutch right here on my desk.

I love it when the doorbell rings and it’s not religious proselytizers hawking salvation, or a neighbor holding a box of puppies sired by my dog, or the National Guard warning me that the toxic cloud is ninety seconds away. It’s the FedEx driver, bearing books.

My books. After close to two years of brainstorming, outlining, writing, erasing, rewriting, editing, talking with editors, rewriting again, proofreading, and copyediting, here’s The Dirty Secrets Club, so fresh off the printing press that I can still smell the ink. Call it proof, validation, vanity, reward, or joy — whatever it is, I’m going to go wallow in it.

(And yes, Mom: One of these copies is for you.)

Here’s the cover of the U.S. edition of China Lake. 

It’ll be published in July. 

The German edition of Crosscut has been spotted in the wild for the first time. Here’s Schmerzlos at the Stuttgart airport. There, while the Husband the nature photographer watched, the novel climbed up the book display to a spot where readers would notice it before any other book it could see the glorious view of the airport concourse. The photographer reports that a few sticklers were concerned at seeing him touch the hatchling, but he couldn’t resist helping it hop up to eye level and turn face out.