Because we could all stand to smile today

Here’s a picture of my (late great) dog Duke, with a hat and a bone in his mouth.

I just thought we needed something to smile about.

(Thanks to Nate for the photo.)

Street scenes: Austin

Because everything rocks in Austin, attorneys should too.

And here are a few legal cases in the news. Maybe one of these people could use a rockin’ lawyer.

8 Charged in $45 million High-Tech Heist. And two of the guys posed for a photo with $40,000 of the cash the authorities say they were laundering.

Florida Man Escapes Police, Is Mauled by Alligator.

And finally, courtesy of the mighty Kitsap Sun: Man angry at neighbors goes on bulldozer rampage in Washington State.

Not abducted by aliens, just traveling

Because, you know, I’m sure that question has been obsessing you to the point that you can’t function.

I’m back in Austin. And I have plenty of things I need to do, including work. But being in Austin means I’m back within the gravitational field of Book People. Let’s see how long it takes before I’ve sold all my worldly goods to buy books there. Wish me luck.

That’s no moon… it’s a birthday

My son was born late in the evening one Wednesday in a city far, far away. A few minutes later, the obstetrician delivered another baby. Afterwards, holding our newborns, that mother and I chatted. The gal said that in years to come she planned to celebrate her daughter’s birthday as if she’d been born after midnight, on Thursday, so that the world would celebrate with her. Because Thursday was May 5: Cinco de Mayo. And that was a day for fiestas, unlike plain old Wednesday.

But celebrations have a way of turning up in unexpected ways. Today and every year I shout to my Star Wars lovin’ kid: May the Fourth be with you!

Happy birthday, Mark!

Spring in the neighborhood

This was my view on a hike with a friend today. It’s May in Surrey, and a gorgeous  afternoon all around. It was great to spend some time in the fresh air — the walk sent me back to my desk all pink-cheeked and eager to inflict mayhem on my characters.

UK folks: I might be on TV tonight

In February I spent a day filming an episode of a new prime time TV show featuring magician Ben Earl. The show, Trick Artist, premieres in the UK tonight. Here’s Channel 4′s blurb:

Ben Earl is a master of sleight of hand and deception – the ultimate trick artist.

Ben has spent the last few months in an old warehouse in London devising four special programmes based on themes that fuse deception and mind-blowing stunts.

This first show is all about crime. Ben invites a select group of people to join him as he attempts to catch a speeding bullet, goes to prison to perform astonishing sleight-of-hand tricks with ex-convicts, teaches an audience member how to pickpocket, and finds himself leaping from the top of a moving car…

I’m sworn to secrecy about what the show entails. In fact, until I watch it I won’t know for sure whether my segment made the final cut. But I can tell you the episode involved some crime writers getting tricked by the trick artist. And I had a blast.

Ben Earl: Trick Artist
Friday 26 April 9 p.m.
Channel 4

Update: The show kept the stunts but edited out the three crime writers who originally took part in one of the sequences. So viewers got to see a “stolen” car get crushed and dropped from a crane at an auto wrecking yard, but they didn’t get to see my reaction to it. C’est la vie.

Today in Crazytown

Let’s check the headlines and see what’s happening out there.

First, the Daughter sends this news about crime in the Sunshine State:

Florida Man Assaults 16-Year-Old with Taco Bell Burrito.

Notes the Daughter: “Aren’t you glad my brothers and I loved Taco Bell too much to waste it in this manner?”

Indeed I am. For many reasons.

Second: Man Charged with Hunting Deer in a Walmart Parking Lot

Bianco allegedly spotted the 10-point white-tailed deer while running errands on Nov. 26, 2012 in Blairsville, Pa., which is 30 miles east of Pittsburgh. He leaped from his truck, chased the deer and fired several rounds from a handgun at it while still in the Walmart parking lot, eventually bagging the buck nearby. Reasonably concerned, Walmart shoppers called 911 to report a man with a gun running through the parking lot.

“Obviously, we can’t have someone running through a Walmart parking lot shooting at a deer,” said the wildlife conservation officer who investigated the incident.

No, you can’t. Save that kind of mayhem for Whole Foods, please.

Finally, Author Seeks Female Participant for Erotic Novel Research.

Taking the “unpaid intern” degradation to its logical conclusion, erotic novelist Chad Leslie Peters posted an ad late last week to Craigslist seeking a “female participant” for a 30-day love affair which he plans to turn into a book.
According to Peters, his first novel, an e-book entitled The Affair: a Thirty Day Experiment in Love, became a bestseller on Amazon, reaching the top twenty in the site’s erotic books category.

He’s now preparing to write a sequel to The Affair. And that’s where you come in:

The book will detail every aspect of a mutually-agreed to romantic affair between myself and a young FEMALE lover (perhaps you), experienced over 30 days, as in the novel.

I’m flying to London later today. It’s a long trip, so I may have the time to shove my jaw back into its hinges.

Still crazy

Still crazy for you after all these years. Happy anniversary to the Husband, Paul Shreve.

And now back to work, so I can celebrate this evening.

Where in the world?

Writing fiction means crafting scenes out of my imagination. But readers appreciate accuracy. They can spot writing that’s pallid, or vague, or that completely mis-describes a place or an activity. In other words: get it wrong, and they’ll catch me out.

So I make it up, but I try to make it right. And a dozen times a day, I’m glad to have photos I can draw upon to help bring a scene to life. I might use only one bit of it — the light, the geographical setting, the clothing people are wearing — but I’m always grateful when a vivid image helps me create vivid words on the page. An image such as the one above.

Anybody recognize the location?

Boston

All I can say about the horror at the Boston marathon is that I’m keeping everybody there in my thoughts. And to remember that in the seconds after the explosions, people ran heroically, heedless of the danger, toward the injured.

For an on-scene report, here’s Boston’s Charlie Pierce:

Boston Bombing: “They’d ripped out their IVs and made space on the cots for the injured.”

Only if they dress like Elvis

Here’s a question for you to think about over the weekend. My son asks: If the zombie apocalypse happens in Vegas, does it stay in Vegas?

Let them starve. They deserve to, and it’s good business.

I’m not going to rant, because doing so would exhaust me while leaving these jackasses unscathed. But I am going to point out that Dickens villains did not fade away with the Victorian era. They aren’t even fictional. They’re flesh and blood. And today in the USA they get elected to statewide office and write opinion pieces for the Harvard Business Review.

First: Tennessee lawmaker wants to tie welfare benefits to children’s grades.

Campfield’s legislation, filed Thursday, would “require the reduction of Temporary Assistance to Needy Families (TANF) payments for parents or caretakers of TANF recipients whose children fail to maintain satisfactory progress in school.” TANF is more commonly referred to as welfare.

Under Campfield’s bill, welfare recipients would face a loss of benefits if their children showed poor academic performance.

Because, when children come from families in economic distress, the Dickensian thing to do if they struggle in school is to punish them by making it even harder for their families to pay for food and rent.

This next dipwad is trying to shill his management consultancy services to rich corporations. And I fear that plenty of people will like the advice he offers in the Harvard Business Review: Seven Rules for Managing Creative People.

I’ll just highlight this “Rule”:

5. Pay them poorly.

Because, according to this genius, “The more you pay people to do what they love, the less they will love it.”

What a perfect excuse to put people in penury and hoard the rewards of their talent for yourself.

Sorry, but this “creative” is signing off with a gesture I don’t want to describe.

Off to West Virginia

I’m heading to West Virginia with my family for a memorial service for my mother-in-law, so I’ll be offline for a few days. Have a good weekend.

Dummies, Beef-wits, and Giants on the Run

Today’s roundup of weird news stories:

First up, a piece of old-fashioned show biz Americana: The Endearing, Funny, and Disturbing Faces of Ventriloquist Dummies.

Warning: For “endearing,” read “lurid and haunting, guaranteed to worm their way into your unconscious and torment your nightmares.” Don’t look unless you’re prepared for your soul to be eaten by these portraits. Or maybe not. Could just be that ventriloquist dummies freak me out.

Second: 18 Obsolete words that should never have gone out of style. Including:

• Snoutfair: A person with a handsome countenance
• Pussyvan: A flurry, temper
• Wonder-wench: A sweetheart
• Beef-witted: Having an inactive brain, thought to be from eating too much beef

I want to be a wonder-wench.

And the crime headline of the day: Police Announce Manhunt for Giant Man and Face-Tattooed Woman; Find Them Almost Immediately.

Well done, coppers.

(PS: Thanks to Rich for the obsolete words link.)