lying for a living

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Smile for the camera

April 30, 2008 · 1 Comment

Graffiti artist Banksy makes his point about Britain’s ubiquitous surveillance cameras… under the gaze of one.

Banksy pulled off an audacious stunt to produce what is believed to be his biggest work yet in central London.

The secretive graffiti artist managed to erect three storeys of scaffolding behind a security fence despite being watched by a CCTV camera.

Then, during darkness and hidden behind a sheet of polythene, he painted this comment on ‘Big Brother’ society.

Of course, his ability to get away with it might also indicate that CCTV cameras don’t actually prevent crime, vandalism, or art.

(Via Clive Davis.)

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For the Husband

April 23, 2008 · 12 Comments

Yes, I know that when this photo was taken, you were the Boyfriend. But it was clear where things were headed. (Even though we’d taken a wrong turn and were completely lost in the Sierras. On foot.)  (Okay, on cross country skis, which was even worse, because (a) to get back to the highway we had to go uphill, and (b) we didn’t know how to ski. Good thing we had provisions. And a sense of humor.)

Dear husband, thanks for asking me to make it legal. Happy anniversary. I’m still game to go for 50 if you are.

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Library Journal interview

April 21, 2008 · 4 Comments

Library Journal does a Q&A with me, asking about action scenes, Stephen King, and Jeopardy. Click the link and scroll down.

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First, fake memoirs; now, fake travel guides?

April 14, 2008 · 1 Comment

A former Lonely Planet writer has claimed he made up sections in its guides. Thomas Kohnstamm says he sold drugs, had casual sex on tables in the restaurants he reviewed, and never bothered to visit Colombia. Instead, he got information on the country from “a chick” he was dating.

Let’s just hope he didn’t write any books based on The Onion’s atlas, Our Dumb World:

EGYPT: Free Admission on Sundays. “Located in the Smithsonian, the Louvre, the National Gallery in London, and countless other museums throughout the western world, Egypt lies behind thick glass displays in climate-controlled rooms.”

UKRAINE: The bridebasket of Europe. “Ukraine leads the world in the harvesting, processing, and exporting of wivestock, boasting mail-order shipments of over half a million tons of fresh brides annually.”

Doublecheck your sources before booking that Ukrainian vacation, folks. And yes, Kohnstamm’s admission to being a big fat liar comes in his new tell-all memoir. Which I’m sure — oh, so completely sure — is one-hundred percent truthful itself.

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Ain’t gonna happen

April 8, 2008 · 16 Comments

Consider this an update to my unofficial blog FAQ. This time I think I can skip the questions and go straight to the answers.

If I haven’t met you:

I won’t read your unpublished novel. Especially not if you send it to me as an unsolicited 2 meg attachment in an e-mail. Sorry. Ain’t gonna happen. If you want to understand why most authors won’t read manuscripts sent to them by strangers, John Scalzi explains it better than anybody.

I won’t click on the link you’ve sent me so I can read the short stories you’ve posted online — not even “just to get a sense of your writing style.” See above. See also: Spam, phishing, Nigerian scam letters. I’m sure you’re probably an A-Number One human being, but again: sorry. Ain’t gonna happen.

I won’t sign up to a social networking site to become your online friend, even though the e-mail says that your feelings will be hurt if I don’t. When I join a social network, feel free to befriend me. Until then: Ain’t gonna happen.

I won’t send you my unpublished work so you can turn it into a stage play. I’m not trying to deny you “your chance.” I know you want a break. Telling me you deserve to adapt my novel-in-progress is not the way you’re going to get it.

I won’t call you. I’m flattered that you want to talk to an author, but I’m not going to make an international phone call to shoot the breeze with a stranger. Ain’t gonna happen.

I won’t send you money. Ain’t never gonna happen.

I will: answer e-mails you send me (as long as they’re civil, and don’t clog my inbox); join the comments on the blog; say hello, shake your hand, and talk with you at book events. I’d be glad to meet you. We can have a conversation. But I can’t be your mentor, agent, or sugar mama.

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How to make me swear out loud, Part 2

April 4, 2008 · 2 Comments

Shortly after climbing on my high, galloping horse for a rant about Justice Department chicanery, I read this story, which made me even more furious: Airliners plot: the allegations.

Eight men arrested in the UK last summer for conspiring to blow up transatlantic jetliners with bombs disguised as soft drinks — yes, these are the guys we can thank for the fact that all our bottled water and contact lens solution is confiscated at airport security — have just gone on trial. Notes the BBC: “The alleged plan was to target a series of planes leaving from Heathrow Airport for North America. Police say they found a list of flights on a memory stick belonging to Mr Ali following his arrest.”

Here’s the list of flights.

  • 1415 UA931 LHR-SAN FRANCISCO (United Airlines)
  • 1500 AC849 LHR-TORONTO (Air Canada)
  • 1515 AC865 LHR-MONTREAL (Air Canada)
  • 1540 UA959 LHR-CHICAGO (United)
  • 1620 UA925 LHR-WASHINGTON
  • 1635 AA131 LHR-NEW YORK (American Airlines)
  • 1650 AA91 LHR-CHICAGO (American)

At which point my skull began to implode, and I swore out loud again, using words I can’t print here because they’d make your computers shoot sparks and cartwheel off the desk in a cloud of black smoke. UA 931 to San Francisco is the flight my children, my mom, my husband, and I have taken so often that the United ground staff greets us by name at the airport. UA 959 to Chicago — I’ve taken that on my way to Oklahoma. And UA 925 to Washington — well, that one generally pulls into gate C17 at Dulles. The gate’s twenty yards from Borders, where I always count on grabbing a new book before I catch my connection. My husband could navigate that concourse blindfolded.

But that San Francisco flight is the one that got me. Assholes. Plan to blow up a jet that my kids, or my mom, might be aboard? Just thinking about it made me want to go all Kid Rock “American Badass” on these guys. Maybe even all Toby Keith “Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue” on them.

And as I sat fuming, deep in my head a little voice whispered, So, you still think the U.S. military should play nice and abide by the Fourth Amendment while terrorists are on the loose?

And I fumed some more, and I thought: Yeah.

Because it’s not either-or. It’s not a choice between protecting the constitution and stopping terrorists. The law got these guys. Now if they’re guilty, let’s put them away. Then they’ll feel “like the whole wide world is raining down on you.” That’d be a great way to bring justice courtesy of the red, white and (in this case, Union Jack) blue.

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How to make me swear out loud, Part 1

April 4, 2008 · 5 Comments

Administration Asserted a Terror Exception on Search and Seizure.

The Justice Department concluded in October 2001 that military operations combating terrorism inside the United States are not limited by Fourth Amendment protections against unreasonable searches and seizures, in one of several secret memos containing new and controversial assertions of presidential power.

I can’t repeat what I said upon reading this, and in fact don’t remember the exact words I shouted, because my head felt so hot and my vision was swimming.

You know that I don’t generally blog about politics. But I do sometimes blog about people trying to mess with the U.S. Constitution. And this Justice Department memo was a nasty attempt to mess with the Bill of Rights. As the Post notes:

No court has ever ruled that the Fourth Amendment does not apply to the military, said Jameel Jaffer, national security director at the American Civil Liberties Union. “In general, the government can’t send an FBI agent to search your home or listen to your phone calls without a warrant, and it can’t send a soldier to do it, either,” Jaffer said. “The applicability of the Fourth Amendment doesn’t turn on what kind of uniform the government agent is wearing.”

No kidding. Here’s the text of the Fourth Amendment.

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Listen. The courts have long interpreted the Fourth Amendment to allow warrantless arrests and searches in emergencies or dire circumstances. What circumstances? When the cops witness somebody committing a crime. When they’re in hot pursuit. When there’s an imminent risk of evidence being destroyed. When contraband is in plain sight — say, in a car.

So when the Justice Department says the military isn’t bound by the Fourth Amendment when operating in the United States (and think long and hard about that), it’s not because the cops and the army are handcuffed by legal technicalities that force them go to court for a warrant before they can stop a suicide bomber. If a guy’s about to self-detonate, the authorities already have the power to stop him. The Justice Department memo asserts something very different: that if the Commander in Chief calls something an anti-terror operation, or declares that we’re in “a time of war,” then guys in army camo can break down your door, tear up your house, and arrest you, your family and your dog — without any legal checks on their behavior. It’s saying: law? What law?

Al Qaeda can’t destroy the United States. This smug, slimy misinterpretation of constitutional law can corrode the country from the inside out.

The Fourth Amendment assertion was disclosed via a 2003 Justice Department memo that authorized harsh military interrogations. “In its footnotes, asides and central text, that 81-page memo asserted nearly unlimited presidential powers during a time of war, although the Justice Department later said the military should not rely on its reasoning.”

John Yoo, who wrote the memo, “has defended his work as a ‘near boilerplate’ defense of presidential prerogatives and said subsequent criticism has been motivated by politics.”

No. This is beyond politics. It doesn’t matter whether the president is a Republican, a Democrat, or a living saint. He could be Mahatma Gandhi and we should object to this. “Unlimited presidential power” has a synonym. It’s tyranny.

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NOT April Fool’s

April 1, 2008 · 1 Comment

Pay-per-view funerals, nicotine-addicted turtles: 10 stories that could be April Fools…but aren’t.

If you can, watch the video of the 11th story: “Unbelievable pictures from Antarctica show penguins in a whole new light.” I stumbled into the kitchen at seven a.m. today, turned on the TV and, while I fumbled for a coffee mug, saw the most amazing footage of penguins taking flight. I stared at the television for a whole minute, thinking, Look at those suckers go! Flap those stubby wings! Higher, you fat little flyers! Then the caffeine kicked in.

And so I returned to writing my historical novel

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Write poetry, die young

April 1, 2008 · 7 Comments

Oh, great — now they tell me. Authors die young.

Kaufman looked at the lives and deaths of 1,987 deceased writers from four different cultures: American, Chinese, Turkish and eastern European. His 2003 study, The Cost of the Muse: Poets Die Young, paints a mathematically ghoulish picture. Poets drop off earliest, Kaufman explains, but authors in general are not a long-lived bunch.

The author of the study, a prof at Cal State San Bernadino, writes: “The image of the writer as a doomed and sometimes tragic figure, bound to die young, can be backed up by research. Writers die young. This research finding has been consistently replicated in a variety of studies.”

The numbers tell the story. A poet’s life, on average, is about a year shorter than that of a playwright, four years shorter than a novelist’s life, and five-and-six-tenths years less than that of a non-fiction specialist.

I shoulda been a rock star instead.

(Via Books, Inq.)

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Surrey Life learns about my weekend

March 21, 2008 · 5 Comments

surrey_wknd.jpgSurrey Life magazine puts me on the back page as part of its monthly “My Surrey Weekend” feature. If you’re dying to find out my dog’s name and what kind of concerts I go to, you can grab a copy of the magazine at the supermarket.
UPDATE: In the comments, mom2bnsb outs my dog. His name is Duke. But, as I explain in the magazine article, he also answers to Walk and Bacon.

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“Carpe Diem Syndrome”

March 9, 2008 · 3 Comments

San Francisco Chronicle columnist Mark Morford has had it with 1,000-things-to-do-before-you-die books, “the latest micro craze in annoying copycat book publishing.”

What the hell are you doing? Why are you just sitting there? Haven’t you seen the lists? Haven’t you been reading the books?

Here is what they tell you: You should be outside, far, far away from here, right this minute, visiting Machu Picchu or a former Hungarian brothel that’s now a cute artisanal bakery run by tiny singing lesbians, or visiting a giant musty old castle in Leipzig, or maybe taking lousy digital pictures of that Amazonian tribe that makes cute little earrings out of dried capybara testicles. Do it. Do it now.

It gets funnier (and cruder) after that. Read this column before you die.

(Via Althouse.)

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Landed

February 5, 2008 · 3 Comments

In the Bay Area. Got my enchilada. Got two. Enchiladas verde, with sour cream and guacamole.

May have to go back and get more.

Will post more when sun comes up. With photos. Also with personal pronouns and articles of speech. Now need coffee.

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Road trip: California

February 4, 2008 · 3 Comments

I’m heading to San Francisco in a few minutes. It’s an eleven hour flight, but man, I really need some good enchiladas.

Also I need to do research for the new book, and to discuss book-throwing habits with one of our regular commenters, Kate.

Back soon.

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“Crocodile attacks and shootings are rare in Australia.”

January 23, 2008 · 2 Comments

Well, they’ve been rare ever since crocs were banned from owning guns.

No, that’s not what the sentence means. Man saved from croc shot in error.

A man has been accidentally shot by a rescuer who was trying to free him from the jaws of a crocodile in northern Australia.

“For a few terrifying moments the animal wildly shook its victim before the intervention of a fellow worker. He fired two shots at the saltwater crocodile. One hit the target, while the other struck the arm of his stricken colleague.”

The victim was flown to a hospital in Darwin, where he’s recovering. No word on the croc.

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