lying for a living

“Texan tries to cash $360 billion cheque.”

A man in the US state of Texas has been arrested for allegedly trying to cash a cheque for $360bn (£182bn).

Charles Ray Fuller had said he wanted to start a record business, authorities in the state said.

The 21-year-old’s attempt to cash the money in a bank in Fort Worth failed when staff spotted the 10 zeros on the personal cheque.

“The man from North Texas said he had been given the cheque by his girlfriend’s mother.”

Maybe he thought the bank teller would pay out by making change from the trillion dollar bill.

“Taser Shock Triggers Fire in Man’s Pants.“

A Hamilton man Tasered by police is in hospital after the stun gun ignited a “flammable object” in his pants, burning him.

Taser? Are they sure it wasn’t a polygraph test gone horribly awry?

(Thanks to Dan for the link.)

In February, I wrote about the Texas mayor who stole her neighbors’ shih tzu, telling them the dog had died in her care while they were on vacation. In fact, Puddles was alive and living as the mayor’s new puppy, “Panchito.” When Puddles/Panchito was recognized at a dog groomer’s, the mayor first filed a false police report that the dog was missing, then resigned her office, then sued for custody of the little furball.

Yesterday she was ordered to return the dog to its rightful owners.

Saenz-Lopez insisted that Rudy Gutierrez and Shelly Cavazos had neglected the animal, but District Judge Richard Terrell in McAllen ordered her to give the dog back to the couple.

Homero Canales, Saenz-Lopez’s attorney, says, “She’s broken-hearted, man.” But the owners’ attorney scoffs at the ex-mayor’s claim that she took the dog for its own good. “‘She is in no way a humanitarian in taking this pet away from its owners,’ Torres said. ‘They love that little dog.’”

The case isn’t over, either: “Saenz-Lopez still faces two felony counts of tampering with evidence and concealing evidence. A preliminary hearing on those charges is scheduled for Tuesday.”

“Row over shepherd’s pie ends in court.“

Yes, it’s a “row,” and it’s not just any pie. So we know this is a British melee. And, unsurprisingly, alcohol was involved, though not, apparently, in the recipe.

A row over the correct way to make shepherd’s pie ended up in court after a disagreement between two brothers turned violent.

The cook didn’t top the pie with tomatoes. According to the prosecutor, his sibling (and guest) thought “this was wrong.” Then, “His brother, a chef, claimed a layer of tomatoes was not the appropriate way to finish off a shepherd’s pie, and responded by hitting him over the head with a shovel.”

After that, according to the Telegraph, the argument “got out of control.”

In court, District Judge Peter Ward “told the defendant that, in his view, there was no need for a layer of tomatoes on a shepherd’s pie.”

The case continues.

“Teensy thief crawls in mail flap.”

I suspect a rogue gnome, of course.

“Drunk Russian sleeps off knifing.”

“Garden gnome holds up high speed train.”

Police say man in wheelchair robbed bank.

Police said a man in his 60s with gray hair and a beard held up the Wachovia Bank branch at the Stanford Shopping Center late this afternoon with a black handgun.

After the stickup, he left in his wheelchair and was last seen motoring down a nearby street toward El Camino Real, a major thoroughfare.

Two thoughts.

One: An armed bank robbery at the Stanford mall? Oh, my God. When my daughter goes for coffee — and at some point every day, her IM away message reads “Starbucks run” — that’s where she goes. My baby. My baby!

Two: In this situation, “motoring” is a relative term. A friend of mine had a top of the line power wheelchair, and even at max power she was no Evel Knievel. The robber’s getaway doesn’t remind me of Gone in 60 Seconds, but of Speed 3 – the episode of Father Ted where Dougal becomes trapped driving a milk float that will explode if it drops below four mph.

So here’s the question: how come all those cops who patrol the mall ON SEGWAYS couldn’t catch up to this guy?

It’s finally happened: a convergence of gnomery and underwear theft.

Lingerie-stealing elf jailed.

A lab technician who dressed as a female elf to steal lingerie at knifepoint was jailed for two years today.

No word whether the robber’s demands were written in Elvish.

 (Via Dave Barry.)

“The offender…startled by the sight of a naked constable with just a torch coming towards him, took off.”

WELLINGTON (Reuters) - A policeman in a small New Zealand town did not let the fact that he was naked hold him back from chasing a thief trying to steal his car.

The off-duty constable was asleep at his home in Balclutha, in the lower South Island, when his wife woke him in the early hours… When the policeman realized the sound his wife heard was someone attempting to start the couple’s car, he didn’t let the fact he was stark naked hold him back, bursting out the door with nothing more than a torch.

The offender “bolted with the officer in hot pursuit, NZPA reported, but was soon after picked up by a police patrol.”

“Nude man runs amok, causing thousands of dollars in damage.“

LANCASTER, Pa. (AP) - Police in Pennsylvania say they’ve arrested a naked man who ran amok on Friday, attacking businesses near a resort area.

A supermarket and the nearby Willow Valley Resort hotel are assessing the damage. Authorities say some office space at the hotel was trashed, a forklift was driven into an interior wall, and an overhead sewer pipe was damaged.

Police say the man then entered a nearby market, and threw a 300-pound pizza oven to the floor. Among other equipment damaged in the incident — which was captured on surveillance cameras — was a $90,000 meat-wrapping machine.

The 28-year-old suspect had reportedly been a guest at the resort.

He’s now charged with risking a catastrophe, criminal mischief, open lewdness and other counts. He’s been ordered held in Lancaster County Prison on $200,000 bail.

“Risking a catastrophe?” I’ve never heard of such a crime. But in terms of potential catastrophes, a rampage that involves the phrases “naked man,” “meat-wrapping machine,” and “ran amok” would certainly be it.

(Via Sarah Weinman.)

 Paul Constant writes about taking on book thieves: Flying Off the Shelves.

In my eight years working at an independent bookstore, I lost count of how many shoplifters I chased through the streets of Seattle while shouting “Drop the book!” I chased them down crowded pedestrian plazas in the afternoon, I chased them through alleys at night, I even chased one into a train tunnel. I chased a book thief to the waterfront, where he shouted, “Here are your fucking books!” and threw a half-dozen paperbacks, including Bomb the Suburbs and A People’s History of the United States, into Puget Sound, preferring to watch them slowly sink into the muck rather than hand them back to the bookseller they were stolen from. He had that ferocious, orgasmic gleam in his eye of somebody who was living in the climax of his own movie: I suppose he felt like he was liberating them somehow.