Walk the line

You’re testing me, I understand that. In promising not to snark, I set myself up for temptation, taunts, and a talmudic discussion of what, precisely, defines “snarking”. Some of you think I’m over the line. Others beg me to cross it. So what have I given up? I said it was “sniping, smirking, whining, and all other forms of sarcasm”.

This does not exclude wit. Or incisiveness. Or even, I maintain, a precisely calibrated blow, delivered to a fatally flawed argument. All of those, it seems, are as necessary as breathing. So help me walk the line here – because otherwise I’m either gonna blow, and go full-bore nasty-ass mud-slinging snarky on y’all, or I’m going to dive so hard into the quest for niceness that I’ll end up talking about my Chi and playing whalesong MP3 snippets here on the blog. Have you ever listened to an endless loop of whalesong? It’s like that New Age “relaxation” music, which has melodies that go on and on and never, ever resolve, and drive musicians crazy – my husband is a guitarist, and the only time he listened to relaxation music he became so enraged he nearly burned down the building. Whalesong sounds similar, except there’s no melody, and you begin to pray for an orca to grab you in its teeth and put you out of your misery. If it comes to that, I won’t be snarking, but you will.


13 responses to “Walk the line

  1. Oh dear. I don’t know how we can help you. Maybe we could do the snarking for you? You know, like that episode of Friends where Whatshername was pregnant and her doctor wouldn’t let her continue to be a vegetarian, so one of the guys said for the duration of her pregnancy, he would be a vegetarian on her behalf.

    Oh, wait. I guess it’s not really the same thing.

    (Aren’t Sundays feast days?)

  2. Meg, you got me with the threat of whalesong and/or relaxation music. A friend swears by such things and once got me to listen when I seemed especially tense. While I did not pose a threat to the integrity of the building, my shoulders got stuck up around ear level and I had the granddaddy of all tension headaches. Then there was the muttering, through gritted teeth, of “resolve, dammit, resolve!”

    I promise not to bait, judge, or poke with pointed sticks. That does still leave blunt sticks…

  3. Patti, for some reason your comment reminded me of a saying one of my friends often repeats: Don’t trust a man who brings a spoon to a knife fight. Perhaps we shouldn’t test my mother’s limits of tolerance. She might just show up wielding a real spoon.

  4. Don’t think of a zebra.

    I’m going to guess that you’re thinking of a zebra. I think the best way to avoid snarkiness is perhaps to focus on other things or avenues of humorous enjoyment. Otherwise it’s just a matter of “grin and bear it.”

  5. Wait…what’s wrong with whale song?

  6. Kate, you call that a spoon? THIS is a spoon.

    Yes, I’ve played knifey-spooney before.

    Good ideas, everybody. Romulus, nothing’s wrong with whales singing. It’s the cheesy whalesong CDs that are too much to take. But forget all that; I’m going to think exclusively of zebras. Well, not exclusively… I’m also thinking about that cheetah that’s stalking them.

  7. Ah, that’s the Meg we know and love!

    Kate, a real spoon could be very nasty.

  8. ROFL. Okay, now … this is starting to sound like I-didn’t-inhale and I-just-swished-it-around-my-mouth-and-spit-it-out reasoning. 😉

  9. I say we cut a CD of we humans snarking, whinging, nagging – you name it – and send it to the whales!

  10. Oh, by the way, did you notice that Al Gore is an Academy Award winner? Comments? (pleaseopleaseoplease)

  11. No comment, thou vile tempter, and not just because I like Melissa Etheridge’s song for An Inconvenient Truth. Get thee behind me, Snartan!

  12. …and how about Prince Charles telling the UAE that they should ban McDonald’s to prevent childhood obesity? Probably concerned about that 208 lb. child being raised in his own country. Comments?

    Snartan? I like!!!

  13. Speaking of Snartans, 300 opens next week. Is anyone else as excited for this as I am?

    And I thought the Al Gore & Leo DiCaprio skit was quite humorous. Excellently timed music cue. I was less amused when Gore put “my fellow Americans” into his acceptance speech.

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