Kitsap County, Washington, is seemingly a cosmic vortex of weird crime. It’s not only the home of the lug nut shotgunner (the lug gunman?) but also zombie drivers, naked taser-lickers, and the worst karate “expert” of all time.
A 23-year-old man claiming that 19 years of martial arts experience led him to register his hands and feet as lethal weapons was knocked unconscious Monday night by a former roommate.
According to the sheriff’s report, the man claimed that “both his hands and feet were registered as lethal weapons in the state of Arizona. He was not sure if he had been registered with the Washington state system or not. Further, as a registered lethal weapon he had to allow his attacker three ‘contacts’ before he could retaliate. Unfortunately he was knocked unconscious after the first ‘contact.'”
A spokeswoman for the Arizona attorney general’s office said she was unaware of any state law requiring experienced marital artists to register. Scott Wilson, a spokesman for the Kitsap County Sheriff’s Office, said he was unaware of a Washington state law requiring experienced martial artists to register.
Your faithful correspondent decided to do some new-media investigative-type citizen journalism on this story. So I asked my resident karate black belt (aka The Husband) whether martial artists must in fact register their hands and feet as lethal weapons. The Husband was trained in karate by a police officer who got this question all the time. Answer: nope. Only a couple of states ever required fists to be registered as deadly weapons, and only if those fists were attached to the arms of a professional boxer.
So I’m afraid Mr. Kitsap One-Punch is out of luck, as far as salvaging his dignity. Or, as one commenter writes on the Kitsap Sun‘s website, “How bad did his feet stink?”
UPDATE: I cut and pasted the final italicized paragraph above, directly from the Kitsap Sun‘s site. Can anybody spot the Freudian typographical slip in the article?