Mind-boggling dumb-assery galore

Kitsap County, Washington, is seemingly a cosmic vortex of weird crime. It’s not only the home of the lug nut shotgunner (the lug gunman?) but also zombie drivers, naked taser-lickers, and the worst karate “expert” of all time.

Man Knocked Out Before He Could Use His ‘Lethal Weapons’.

A 23-year-old man claiming that 19 years of martial arts experience led him to register his hands and feet as lethal weapons was knocked unconscious Monday night by a former roommate.

According to the sheriff’s report, the man claimed that “both his hands and feet were registered as lethal weapons in the state of Arizona. He was not sure if he had been registered with the Washington state system or not. Further, as a registered lethal weapon he had to allow his attacker three ‘contacts’ before he could retaliate. Unfortunately he was knocked unconscious after the first ‘contact.'”

Maybe not.

A spokeswoman for the Arizona attorney general’s office said she was unaware of any state law requiring experienced marital artists to register. Scott Wilson, a spokesman for the Kitsap County Sheriff’s Office, said he was unaware of a Washington state law requiring experienced martial artists to register.

Your faithful correspondent decided to do some new-media investigative-type citizen journalism on this story. So I asked my resident karate black belt (aka The Husband) whether martial artists must in fact register their hands and feet as lethal weapons. The Husband was trained in karate by a police officer who got this question all the time. Answer: nope. Only a couple of states ever required fists to be registered as deadly weapons, and only if those fists were attached to the arms of a professional boxer.

So I’m afraid Mr. Kitsap One-Punch is out of luck, as far as salvaging his dignity. Or, as one commenter writes on the Kitsap Sun‘s website, “How bad did his feet stink?”

UPDATE: I cut and pasted the final italicized paragraph above, directly from the Kitsap Sun‘s site. Can anybody spot the Freudian typographical slip in the article?

11 responses to “Mind-boggling dumb-assery galore

  1. I once had a room-mate whose personality should have been registered as a lethal weapon…

  2. The stupidity is spreading…it’s going from an individual to a corporate level:

    Australian Santa’s Asked Not to ‘Ho Ho Ho’

    And here I thought the U.S. had cornered the market in political correctness lunacy.

  3. It’s the Evan’s shower of weirdness….

    Seems to me that someone who had been doing martial arts training since the age of 4 would have such iron-clad control that he wouldn’t need to retaliate.

  4. So that’s where the drain leads. From Santa Barbara to Kitsap County. Explains a lot.

  5. Zen and the art of marriage.

  6. Well done, Grasshopper.

  7. We generate a steady stream of these types of stories up here in order to divert the knuckle dragging throngs of Californians to more deserving communities beyond us like Bellevue and Seattle. Police tape everywhere does wonders . . .

  8. Thanks, Kitsapgnome. As a Californian, I appreciate your efforts. And we do like that shiny yellow police tape…

  9. Pingback: Weird crime 2008: Happy New Year! « lying for a living

  10. Pingback: Woke up this morning, got myself a gun | lying for a living

  11. Pingback: It always comes down to monkeys | lying for a living

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