Butlers, dwarfs & the apocalypse: bizarre things I’ve heard this week

Entry #47,987 in the category “When you think the world can’t get weirder.” Here are things I’ve seen, heard, and read this past week.

A) A coffee commercial featuring a sexy man — a British knockoff of the Old Spice Guy — saying the words that women supposedly most desire to hear: “I’m going to move my things out of the bedroom so there’ll be more room for your giant handbags.” This played during an episode of Hoarders: Buried Alive. And don’t judge me for watching Hoarders.

B) While getting my hair cut, I heard about two new party trends: (1) naked butlers (2) dwarf catapults. Yes, apparently you can hire dwarfs to wear Velcro suits and be shot at a cloth target from a catapult. I was horrified. I loudly said that dwarf catapulting was the most absurd thing I’d ever heard of. If I were to hire people of short stature, I said, it would be to climb into tight spaces where I’m too gangly to fit — such as air ducts in high end jewelry stores, so they could carry off a diamond heist fit for Ocean’s Eleven. Yeah. Now everybody at the hair salon thinks I’m the weird one.

C) Slam those novels shut and hang your heads in shame, folks: “When our daily news is apocalyptic, it’s irresponsible to read made-up stories. It’s time to start reading the serious stuff instead.” So claims one anxious, frowning columnist in the Guardian.

No time for novels – should we ditch fiction in times of crisis?

“To dress extravagantly in wartime is worse than bad form. It is unpatriotic.” When the news is so apocalyptic, and there is so much to understand, and a lot of it is quite basic (what’s the point of low interest rates again? How do you devalue a currency? Why are there so many earthquakes? Tell me one more time about tectonic plates; I promise this time I’ll listen … ), it feels more than frivolous to read about made-up people. It feels unpatriotic. Or, to put it another way, it is like watching the telly when you have homework.

Go on and read the entire po-faced article. You won’t find any sign that it’s a joke. I looked. It’s not there. The author is serious.

And that, folks, is the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard this week.

3 responses to “Butlers, dwarfs & the apocalypse: bizarre things I’ve heard this week

  1. So, when exactly *would* have been a good time “to read about made-up people”? I guess Boccaccio was on really bad form writing The Decameron during the Black Death. If things are this serious, we really shouldn’t use any of our precious time to read goofy columnists, either. . .

  2. I would so watch the dwarf catapult. But, I would be in the back of the crowd, making disgusted sounds, shaking my head and placing bets.

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