For the background on these Christmas letters, see here. Quick recap: Yes, these are actual fake Christmas letters that I once sent to family and friends. They’re a fictitious version of my life, featuring invented relatives and pets.
Has it really been a year? It seems only but weeks that budding flowers were springing forth in an orchestral symphony of springtime, and now the melancholy blue frost of cold, chill, cruel winter is nipping at our noses. But that’s the magic of Christmas! (My Adult Ed. creative writing class is really paying off, huh?)
What a year we’ve had! We took a delightful vacation to Barstow last summer to compete in the annual R.V. races. “Winnie” (our Winnebago) really kicked up her heels, and so did some chicken-hearted spectators when we inadvertently drove a few rows up into the stands. What a hoot!
Many of you know from our calls and visits that Paul and I have found our calling selling Amway products. It was intended – we feel the Lord’s hand on our shoulder whenever we make a sale. So don’t you dare turn us down when we knock on your door! I’m also doing important social work with the task force on pet etiquette. We teach our animal companions to eat daintily, employ discreet bathroom manners, and be properly introduced before mating. High time for such a program, too.
The kids are wonderful. Jimmy is enrolled at a top-notch survivalist camp. He got us a great discount on a bomb shelter, and it’s quite a treat. We were even featured in last month’s “Doomsday Gazette” (below the headline article, “Michael Jackson – Red Dupe?”) The pictures of us holed up for the nuclear winter – Paul painting by-the-numbers, the twins playing bumper pool, me at the Hammond organ – looked great.
Speaking of the press, Janie’s coverage in the media a few months back was way overblown. The firearms charges have in fact been dropped. Nobody at the prom was even winged. Can’t anyone take a joke nowadays? (The prom queen sure couldn’t – but then I’m too Christian to tell you what I think of a *lutty *itch who rigged the voting so she’d win instead of Janie and then dared to press charges over a little harmless gunplay.)
Violet is a blooming thespian. Her original one-girl show, “Great Women of History,” was a smash at Central High’s Theater Extravaganza. We cried such tears of pride that night! You can, too – for $6.95 we’ll send you a recording of Vi’s performance, which includes her portrayals of Elizabeth Taylor, Marie Antoinette (“Let zem eat cake!”), and the Virgin Mary (“Ave Maria”). Do I hear Hollywood calling?
Well, those are our family highlights. Have a happy holiday season. You are dear and special to us; we think of the ____________ family often.
Paul, Meg, and the gang