The Christmas Letters finale: fill in the blank

For the full background on the Christmas Letter Files, see here. These are actual letters I sent as a joke to friends and family, telling of a life I never lived, with relatives and pets I never had.

Today’s entry is the last in the series. I hope you’ve enjoyed it.

December 23

Greetings!

Ready for the Yuletide’s hottest deal? Let your favorite expert – me – write your Christmas letter this year. Save yourself the hassle of inventing triumphs and soft-pedaling failures – I’ll do it. Simply circle applicable responses and return the form to me. Allow six to eight weeks for delivery.

Occasion:
Xmas
Chanukah
March Madness

Objective:
Spread cheer and good will
Impress snooty neighbors
Libel obnoxious relatives

Tone:
Cloyingly sweet
Self-congratulatory
In-your-face

Price for Writing:
The Truth $9.95
A Slight Exaggeration $19.95
A Life as Perfect as Mine $99.95

1. Your family is
As warm and perky as ever
Certainly more popular than your friends
Seeking restraining orders against each other

2. You’re spending the holidays

Sewing clothing for the homeless
Singing the “Messiah” at Lincoln Center
Suing the mall for your “accidental” slip & fall

3. Pleasant surprises this year included
The new puppy
The knighthood
The getaway car started on the first try

4. More surprises include

You are homeless
You are the Messiah
The mall is suing you for fraud

5. Signs that the kiddies are growing up:
They totalled the car
Sissy was Playboy’s “Miss September”
Junior’s pyromania seems to be abating

6. This year you were promoted to
Lt. colonel
Full professor
Fry-machine operator

7. Your job
Has made you wildly wealthy
Has been moved to Guatemala
What job?

8. For your anniversary your husband gave you

A large kitchen appliance
A trip to Paris
A black leather teddy

9. Your wife gave you
A large insurance policy on your life
A trip down the stairs
A black leather teddy

10. At school, your son was
Captain of the football team
Water boy for the football team
Caught selling term papers to the football team

11. For graduation your daughter got
A pony
A scholarship to Yale
Preggers

12. Your biggest worry was
UFO abduction
Nuclear Armageddon
Cellulite

13. You spent the year fighting
Secular humanism
Plaque
Extradition

14. You were… relieved/upset… when your… house/livestock/in-laws… survived/floated away/
went up in smoke… during the… flood/brush fire/riot.

15. Your vacation was… terrific/a nightmare… because of/despite the… lost luggage/shark attack/hijacking. The sunsets/artillery shelling/oil well fires… were particularly colorful this year in Tahiti/Afghanistan/Texas.

16. In August your husband got… elected/religion/five-to-ten… Everything was fine until… the Senate subpoenaed his diaries/the congregation stoned him as a heretic/the escape tunnel he dug came up ten feet inside the wire.

17. Your health is… wonderful/phhht. You’ve been… winning triathlons/hearing voices/feeling so much prettier… ever since… the steroid injections/those Army drug experiments/the sex change.

So that I can give your letter the proper ambiance (“attitude”), please circle the answers that best describe your family:

Home Life

Your children are named:
(a) Buffy & Binky
(b) Billie Sue & Bubba
(c) Beavis & Butt-head

Your family most resembles:
(a) The Clintons
(b) The Kardashians
(c) The Macbeths

Leisure

You spend most weekends on
(a) The yacht
(b) Drugs
(c) Furlough

Your main form of exercise is
(a) Water ballet
(b) Foreplay
(c) Fighting your spouse for the TV remote control

Politics

Your favorite monument to liberty is
(a) Mount Rushmore
(b) Salman Rushdie
(c) Rush Limbaugh

The JFK assassination was masterminded by
(a) The Jesuits
(b) The Beatles
(c) John-John

Formalities

You prefer to be addressed as
(a) Reverend
(b) Ooh, Baby
(c) Your Imperial Majesty

Do you use the middle name “Rodham”?
(a) Yes
(b) No
(c) Only when wearing your black leather teddy

Note: my own family has recovered just fine from the hot-air ballooning mishap. Being stranded in the Sierras for six weeks was no picnic, and yes, we should have known that shooting at passing planes might puncture the balloon, but heck – you only live once. And there is no truth to the rumors about what we did to survive when our food ran out. However, Grammy did incur moderate injuries when we discovered she’d been hiding a sack of Cheetos under her wig, and her dog Fifi turned out to be… too frail to survive/braver than Lassie/a marvelous appetizer.

5 responses to “The Christmas Letters finale: fill in the blank

  1. Thanks for the laughs, and have a Merry Christmas.

  2. They were terrific, thanks so much for taking us along for the ride.

    Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays, everyone. In a few short hours my boys will be waking (me) up… I can’t wait to share in their excitement and joy.
    Stay safe and I wish you all happy times…. xox.

  3. The very merriest of Christmases to you all!

  4. So great to see these again… I was just thinking of your letters from Christmases past this morning. Janey and twins doing well these days?

  5. Thank you for sharing these Meg. Brilliant. God Bless us, everyone.

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