Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right

My son’s birthday was yesterday. He sent me a link and asked me why I didn’t get him this party treat to celebrate his special day.

Evil Clown hired for stalking, threats and a pie in the face.

“An ‘evil’ clown who stalks and threatens kids is being hired by parents as a birthday treat…”

Dominic Deville stalks young victims for a week, sending chilling texts, making prank phone calls and setting traps in letterboxes.

He posts notes warning children they are being watched, telling them they will be attacked.

But Deville is not an escaped lunatic or some demonic monster.
He is a birthday treat, hired by mum and dad, and the ‘attack’ involves being splatted in the face with a cake.

‘The child feels more and more that it is being pursued,’ said Deville. ‘The clown’s one and only aim is to smash a cake into the face of his victim, when they least expect it, during the course of seven days.’

Why didn’t I hire the Evil Clown to attack my son? Because that would be insane, and cruel, and terrifying, and if I did so, a sinkhole would open in my back yard and swallow me and my soul entire. Sorry, honey — you’ll have to make do with cards and presents.

In other party-related news, yacht club weddings just aren’t what they used to be.

“‘They’re in love. They’re doing everything in their power to make it work,’ busted mom Darlene DeIorio, 45, told the Herald last night though tears. ‘I’m going to be there for them no matter what. My heart is so broken. I’m sad for them.’”

Why is Darlene sad?

Wedding bash ends in handcuffs.

Danvers cops showed up and found a surreal scene: Wedding guests yelling, screaming and rolling around on the ground in a pig pile. At one point, police said, the groom’s mother, Darlene, attacked the bride’s mom.

“On the way to the station, police said, Darlene turned her wrath on them and said some pretty hurtful things about one of the officer’s mothers.”

Hey, Evil Clown: there are some wedding guests in Danvers who deserve to enjoy your services.

6 responses to “Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right

  1. Oh, and Happy Birthday, Mark!

  2. Yet again, I find myself saying, “She’s making this up, right?” Sadly, I’ve come to accept, despite the blog name, she’s not.

  3. What? You didn’t get your kid an evil clown for his birthday? What kind of mother ARE YOU??? Don’t you love your kid? Poor lil’ guy!

  4. Those Swiss are such comedians! Hmm, can’t name one. But I have read about an Evil Clown somewhere. Now where… Ah! “The Nightmare Thief.” Maybe Deville (Cruella’s nephew?) got the idea from YOU, Meg! Oh, and that’s a pretty pathetic cake.

    And I was feeling sorry for the young couple till I read that the groom punched a wall and tore up the coatroom–like mother, like son–and the bride went off on their honeymoon instead of to a lawyer for an annulment.

  5. I read these forays through the looking glass on the weekend. Then I left them for a couple of days, thinking that there was some hallucinating going on or that a Lewis Carroll poltergeist had invaded the newsroom. Nope. Wow.

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