It always comes down to monkeys

… And to Kitsap County.

Here are some April 1st headlines that are not April Fool’s jokes.

First up: Germans Seize Justin Bieber’s Monkey. And that’s not a euphemism for naughty hijinks; they actually seized a monkey.

Canadian teen heartthrob Justin Bieber had his pet monkey Mally confiscated when he arrived with the animal at Munich airport, officials and media reports said Saturday.

Customs officials put the capuchin monkey in quarantine on Thursday because the 19-year-old pop sensation was unable to present the necessary documents for importing a live animal.

The monkey has requested asylum.

Next up: Forget Ukrainian Killer Ninja Dolphins. The new threat is squid bombs.

An unexploded bomb was found inside a squid when the fish was slaughtered at a fish market in Guangdong province.

The stall owner, who has been selling fish for 10 years, told the newspaper the 1-meter-long squid might have mistaken the bomb for food.

Mm-hmm. Suuuure.

Third: Today’s a travel day for me. I’m off, once again, to central Texas, where there’s no possibility I can be attacked by an explodey squid or an infected Bieber-monkey, or… what’s that you say? North Korea has plans for me?

Kim Jong-Un’s Latest, Unbelievable Threat: Bombing Austin, Texas.

Yippee kay-yay.

So I’ll leave you with news from the vortex of weird crime. The Kitsap Sun reports: Undelivered Mail Unearthed at Ex-Mailman’s Property.

SEATTLE (AP) — A Belfair contract mail carrier who was fired in 2010 for burning undelivered mail had held on to much more — 159 tubs buried in a trench on his property at Belfair, according to recently unsealed court documents…

A Postal Service employee living with Farrell told the Fox Island Post Office postmaster she had seen Farrell and two other people burying mail in a 5-foot by 30-foot trench, a Postal Service agent told the court.

The woman told investigators one of Farrell’s associates used a backhoe to dig the trench, which the men then filled with mail Farrell had been storing in sheds on the property.

“In 2010, Farrell was sentenced to 130 hours of community service for burning thousands of letters that went undelivered because he spent his day in a tavern.”

And yes: these final three stories would all have worked out better if Justin Bieber’s monkey was in charge, instead of squid-stuffers, Kim Jong Uh-Oh, or a drunken mail-burner.

Now I’m off to Texas, where the stars at night are big and bright — let’s hope not explosively bright. Yeehaw!

2 responses to “It always comes down to monkeys

  1. The thing about Fox-style “news” is that stories of actual events are virtually indistinguishable from made-up stuff. So if Justin actually did try to take a pet monkey to Germany (oh really?) I can only observe that he wasn’t paying attention to the overblown Ikea monkey stories of recent infamy.

  2. I’m wondering if Li’l Kim has the same pedigree as Game Of Thrones, young’un, Joffrey Lannister. Incestuous inbreeding would explain a lot of what’s been going on in Mordor, oops…North Korea.

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