Today in Crazytown

Let’s check the headlines and see what’s happening out there.

First, the Daughter sends this news about crime in the Sunshine State:

Florida Man Assaults 16-Year-Old with Taco Bell Burrito.

Notes the Daughter: “Aren’t you glad my brothers and I loved Taco Bell too much to waste it in this manner?”

Indeed I am. For many reasons.

Second: Man Charged with Hunting Deer in a Walmart Parking Lot

Bianco allegedly spotted the 10-point white-tailed deer while running errands on Nov. 26, 2012 in Blairsville, Pa., which is 30 miles east of Pittsburgh. He leaped from his truck, chased the deer and fired several rounds from a handgun at it while still in the Walmart parking lot, eventually bagging the buck nearby. Reasonably concerned, Walmart shoppers called 911 to report a man with a gun running through the parking lot.

“Obviously, we can’t have someone running through a Walmart parking lot shooting at a deer,” said the wildlife conservation officer who investigated the incident.

No, you can’t. Save that kind of mayhem for Whole Foods, please.

Finally, Author Seeks Female Participant for Erotic Novel Research.

Taking the “unpaid intern” degradation to its logical conclusion, erotic novelist Chad Leslie Peters posted an ad late last week to Craigslist seeking a “female participant” for a 30-day love affair which he plans to turn into a book.
According to Peters, his first novel, an e-book entitled The Affair: a Thirty Day Experiment in Love, became a bestseller on Amazon, reaching the top twenty in the site’s erotic books category.

He’s now preparing to write a sequel to The Affair. And that’s where you come in:

The book will detail every aspect of a mutually-agreed to romantic affair between myself and a young FEMALE lover (perhaps you), experienced over 30 days, as in the novel.

I’m flying to London later today. It’s a long trip, so I may have the time to shove my jaw back into its hinges.

6 responses to “Today in Crazytown

  1. Day 14: After an altercation with a boy in Taco Bell, Chad is feeling horny. Why the hell did I ever think this whole erotic novel thing was a good idea? *Note to self: Damn you, Methamphetamine!* Tomorrow is the half-way mark, and Chad is celebrating by taking me on a trip to Walmart. I’m pretty sure I know what he means by ‘taking me’.

  2. Not to be outdone in the Weird Hunting News Of The Day, I will be organizing a safari armed with harpoon guns to search out alligators in Dillards at a nearby mall.

    • For some reason, this reminds me of a scene in the Orson Scott Card short story “Dogwalker”, in which the protagonist is coming out of an Ivey’s department store in a North Carolina mall, and as he passes an arcade next door, he sees a nuclear fireball coming from the “Eat Shi’ite” game next to the entrance.

      Anyway, Ivey’s was a chain bought out by Dillard’s, just in case you’re looking for relevance here…

    • Don’t take any small dogs with you on the harpoon ‘gator hunt, Rich. They’re what’s known as bait.

      And are the ‘gators attacking Dillards to avenge their relatives now being sold as wallets?

  3. That would be my guess along with luggage. Recoil in the food chain.

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