Tag Archives: Kitsap County

It always comes down to monkeys

… And to Kitsap County.

Here are some April 1st headlines that are not April Fool’s jokes.

First up: Germans Seize Justin Bieber’s Monkey. And that’s not a euphemism for naughty hijinks; they actually seized a monkey.

Canadian teen heartthrob Justin Bieber had his pet monkey Mally confiscated when he arrived with the animal at Munich airport, officials and media reports said Saturday.

Customs officials put the capuchin monkey in quarantine on Thursday because the 19-year-old pop sensation was unable to present the necessary documents for importing a live animal.

The monkey has requested asylum.

Next up: Forget Ukrainian Killer Ninja Dolphins. The new threat is squid bombs.

An unexploded bomb was found inside a squid when the fish was slaughtered at a fish market in Guangdong province.

The stall owner, who has been selling fish for 10 years, told the newspaper the 1-meter-long squid might have mistaken the bomb for food.

Mm-hmm. Suuuure.

Third: Today’s a travel day for me. I’m off, once again, to central Texas, where there’s no possibility I can be attacked by an explodey squid or an infected Bieber-monkey, or… what’s that you say? North Korea has plans for me?

Kim Jong-Un’s Latest, Unbelievable Threat: Bombing Austin, Texas.

Yippee kay-yay.

So I’ll leave you with news from the vortex of weird crime. The Kitsap Sun reports: Undelivered Mail Unearthed at Ex-Mailman’s Property.

SEATTLE (AP) — A Belfair contract mail carrier who was fired in 2010 for burning undelivered mail had held on to much more — 159 tubs buried in a trench on his property at Belfair, according to recently unsealed court documents…

A Postal Service employee living with Farrell told the Fox Island Post Office postmaster she had seen Farrell and two other people burying mail in a 5-foot by 30-foot trench, a Postal Service agent told the court.

The woman told investigators one of Farrell’s associates used a backhoe to dig the trench, which the men then filled with mail Farrell had been storing in sheds on the property.

“In 2010, Farrell was sentenced to 130 hours of community service for burning thousands of letters that went undelivered because he spent his day in a tavern.”

And yes: these final three stories would all have worked out better if Justin Bieber’s monkey was in charge, instead of squid-stuffers, Kim Jong Uh-Oh, or a drunken mail-burner.

Now I’m off to Texas, where the stars at night are big and bright — let’s hope not explosively bright. Yeehaw!

It’s Twilight in Kitsap County

Kate writes: “Kitsap County!”

I watched Twilight this evening (yes, I admit it), and you’ll never guess what came up in the movie!  Okay, so the subject line gives it away — Kitsap County.  Yes, the town where the vampires live is in Washington just over the county line from our favorite weird crime vortex.  It comes up when some evil vampires lay their trail as heading out of Forks, WA into Kitsap County.  I totally started laughing and nobody could understand why until I explained.

Ah, sweet Kitsap County, home to the lug-nut gunman, the naked Taser-licker, and Mr. “My hands are lethal weapons” the karate imbecile. Kitsap, where… hmm, let’s see what’s up… the former mayor of one town has been arrested on felony charges for stalking, assault, and taking “indecent liberties” — though his attorney argues that the ex-mayor suffers from a disease that “can cause sexual exhibitionism, promiscuity and a loss of social inhibition.”

All that and bad vampires too. Law abiding Kitsap folks just can’t catch a break.