Tag Archives: Squirrels

Varmint update

A few weeks ago I wrote about the crazed squirrels that were throwing themselves against my living room windows. My house is near a park, so wildlife has free rein. Somehow, however, I managed to forget this fact. Leading to this weekend’s events.

Saturday, the Husband found a snake stuck to a piece of packing tape in the garage. Yes, a snake. A small, brown, banded snake. We stared at it. I looked up “Snake stuck to tape.” After reading through several online snake care forums, I put on long sleeves, and gloves, and hiking boots, and got the vegetable oil and Q-tips.

Then the Husband said: “What if it’s a cottonmouth viper?”

Calling Animal Control didn’t help. Looking at photos of cottonmouths only convinced me that trying to unstick it using vegetable oil and Q-tips was probably going to be a very stupid thing to do.

Alas, when I went back to the garage, the snake was a goner. (Moment of silence for the snake.) We thought our latest outbreak of animal frenzy was over.

Sunday we found what the snake was after: the bird’s nest in the Husband’s amplifier.

When we opened the door we found birds flying wildly around the garage. Paul found TWO nests that resembled crazy twig sculptures. It was like Hitchcock and True Detective combined.

And you wonder why my novels feature aggressive ferrets, frantic Chihuahuas, and devious monkeys?

Tomorrow maybe we’ll shut the garage door.

The War of the Squirrels, Part III

Writing can be solitary. I sit alone in a quiet room, staring into space, thinking up mayhem. So, when a loud crack reverberates close by, it can creep me out. As happened yesterday.

Being a writer, I immediately did the only logical thing: I wrote about it. First on Instant Message:


Thank you for laughing at me, Snart. Thank you so very much.

squirrel 2

Then I took the terror to Twitter.

Fiery squirrels. If that isn’t material for a thriller, I don’t know what is. Quick, to the writermobile!

As for earlier squirrel skirmishes, here’s more information on War of the Squirrels, Part I, and the samurai sword. Part II involved traps and a sledgehammer, and remains a painful memory. I won’t tell you who won.

“He was very well wedged in there.”

Start the week with a sampler of the bizarre. All these stories feature food-and-drink related incidents. Mmm, taste the weird.

First, Dan sends a link to this story:

Woman accused of stabbing man with squirrel.

[P]olice arrested a woman early Christmas morning after she reportedly stabbed a man with a ceramic squirrel in an argument over beer.

Ah, with the added context it makes perfect sense.

Second, another crime story Dan calls “comfort food:”

Brother arrested in fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

The victim told police that his brother, Jerome Davis, “made three peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and ate them in the living room. Within the next hour, the suspect made another three of these peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, bringing his total consumption of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to six. This angered the victim.”

You gotta stop at five. Five, man.

Next, Fake cop flashes buttocks, wants IHOP meal.

A server asked Skytta if he had money to pay for his meal, to which Skytta replied, “No, but I am a cop, and I get food for free.”

The report said Skytta, 55, then pulled an OPD insignia patch out of his wallet.

The server told Skytta police pay for their meals at IHOP and he wouldn’t be getting any free food. … [Skytta] then dropped his pants and exposed himself to the server and customers, the report said.

The best part?

Skytta was still at the booth when police arrived.

Finally, Rescuers use olive oil to extract naked man from washing machine

Police had to use olive oil to free a naked man who became trapped in a top-loading washing machine.

The unctuous intervention was part of a 20-minute rescue operation mounted in Mooroopna, Victoria, to pry the man from the hiding place he had planned to use to surprise his wife.

“He was very well wedged in there and we were concerned for his health and wellbeing,” Shepparton police sergeant Michelle De Araugo told Shepparton News.

‘‘It was just a game gone wrong. It would be fair to say the gentleman was very embarrassed.”

Olive oil. So good for what ails you.