Given this blog’s history with Schrödinger’s Cat jokes, I think this is an appropriate Halloween picture.
(Via The Meta Picture.)
To spark discussion. Not to ruin your Saturday.
The Worst Music Videos of All Time.
What do you think? I can’t argue with “Rock Me Tonite” — Billy Squier looks like Jennifer Beales’ dorky brother attempting to flashdance. His performance is astonishing: the stomping, the flailing arms, the perm…. the video apparently ruined his career. But it’s also absolutely compelling. It has a horrifying, Oh my GOD quality to it, the quality that causes you to laugh uncontrollably even as you feel intense pity for the singer. And by you, I mean me.
Warning: Do not watch if you value the neurons in your brain.
On the other hand, “If Nobody Believed in You” made me scrub out my ears with steel wool. Nothing else could get rid of the singer’s awful nasal drone. What happened in the recording studio? Did the engineer turn up the twang past Eleven, all the way to Super-Hick? And the lyrics — the message — made me try to reach through my computer monitor to throttle Joe Nichols. Let me summarize. Verse 1: A dad who screams at his Little Leaguer is awful. Verse 2: A son who takes away the car keys from his elderly father is cruel. Verse 3: Banning the Pledge of Allegiance from American public schools may cause God to destroy the universe.
That’s why there are fingernail scratch marks all over my screen. Quick — institute compulsory Christian prayer in U.S. schools, before the Almighty gets bored and disintegrates those tenth graders one by one. Gah.* And if anybody can give me hard evidence that the Pledge of Allegiance has been banned in even one American school district, and that such a ban has been upheld in court, I’ll make my own video of “Rock Me Tonite” and post it here.
However, I can’t bring myself to hate “Hip to Be Square.” And Sisqo’s “Unleash the Dragon” is merely seven minutes of grandiose posturing and stultifying CGI mayhem. Which bizarrely seems to feature Marco Rubio’s stunt double in a helicopter.
(Photo: Senator Marco Rubio.)
(Photo: Senator Marco Rubio’s stunt double.)
How about everybody else? What do you hate? And don’t say me, for exposing you to these videos.
*Besides, didn’t the notion that the universe is nothing but an idea in God’s mind go out of fashion with George Berkeley in the 18th Century?
IN THE COMMENTS: I debate whether “If Nobody Believed in You” implies that God is this close to blinking and snuffing out the cosmos, or whether it hints that he might instead curl up in a fetal position and cry because American public schools aren’t paying homage to him.
On November 7th I’m heading north to Blackpool for the Wordpool festival. That evening I’m talking about “Secrets and Suspense” with Jenn Ashworth and Zoë Sharp. Which means it’ll be fun. And awesome. And not just for me.
“Secrets and Suspense”
7 – 8:45 p.m.
Blackpool Central Library
email: artsdevelopment@blackpool.gov.uk
This made me unreasonably happy. As in hyperventilating with excitement.
Yes, I love writing so much that the discovery of new punctuation marks nearly knocks me unconscious. Yes, I need help.
But… the Dagger. The Asterism. The Exclamation Comma.
Halloween is in five days. And before you carve your jack-o’-lanterns and plan your trick or treating route and plant an army of zombie garden gnomes on your front lawn, you’re going to need some Halloween books. What, oh what, will you read this year?
Don’t forget that two of my novels take place around All Hallows Eve.
In China Lake, Evan Delaney faces off against an apocalyptic sect that believes Halloween is a “doorway to evil” that allows demons to escape from hell and infiltrate our world.
In The Dirty Secrets Club, Jo Beckett faces off against earthquakes, Klingons, a crazed Capuchin monkey, and a couple of homicidal maniacs.
Just sayin’.
Posted in Books, The Dirty Secrets Club
Tagged China Lake, Evan Delaney, Jo Beckett, The Dirty Secrets Club
“Zombie craze continues to infect popular culture.”
This weekend an estimated 3,000 people dressed as zombies took to the streets of Brighton. It’s the latest proof, if any was needed, that the undead are really on the march – culturally at least.
If the zombie craze has passed you by then you probably haven’t been hanging out with any children lately.
My first thought was: Man, I missed the zombie march on Brighton? Damn. I would love to dress up as a zombie fashion model. Or a zombie reality show contestant.
My second was: Maybe I should watch Shaun of the Dead again. It’s one of our family’s favorite holiday movies.
My third was: I can’t bear to watch The Walking Dead, though it’s extremely well produced, well written, suspenseful, and gripping. Because, well, zombies. Meanwhile, my son can happily eat a huge breakfast while watching a scene where the rotting army of the undead attacks the show’s heroes.
So: mixed feelings. Why are zombies popular? What is it about them that so terrifies us? I think it’s more than their grossness. I think their appeal (and their repulsiveness) lies in the deep fear they evoke: the idea that zombiesm is a form of slavery. It steals not only your life but your free will. It not only turns its victims into semi-mindless drones, but makes them hunger to continue in their state. They lose not only the ability but the desire to be released from their imprisonment.
What do you think?
And while I’m thinking about the cultural import of the zombie craze, maybe I’ll dress my friend Edgar Allan Poe as a zombie for Halloween.
A huge thank you to everybody who entered this year’s contest. We had more entries than ever before, and I laughed out loud at many submissions. I’m constantly amazed and delighted by the imaginative nuttery of folks who read my blog.
Before I announce the winner and runners up, I’d like to take a moment to single out some entries for Honorable Mention. (Come on — you knew I’d drag out the suspense. I’m a thriller writer.) These all made me smile.
Honorable Mention:
Chris: Mr. Peebles crosses the finish line to win Cousin Tater’s tots.
Tony: Embracing his new career in puppy-rodeo, George W Bush got ready to lasso him some chicken wings.
Lloyd: Perk of the job: highly-trained narcotics detection dog scores a whole noseload of the good stuff, but now he’s hallucinating, he’s got a monkey on his back.
Pop Culture Nerd: Lassie’s cousin Lessie’s career didn’t turn out as well.
Flakes: In an uncharacteristic outburst Ferd cries, “Screw you Mr. Peebles–screw you and the dog you rode in on!”
Rhonda Elston Mickelson: Devolution. (Extra points for brevity!)
Dru: Giddiyup, I’m the Lone Ranger on a dog.
Dana Jean:
High Noon:
The bar’s doors swayed back and forth on their rusted hinges, squeaking an ancient hello, goodbye, hello, goodbye with every swing.
Peebles hippity hopped–the way monkeys do–out to the middle of the dirt road. He fumbled his gun and was cut down before he could hoot a “draw.”
Chunks of Peebles clung to every hooker on the weathered boardwalk–he was reduced to Rhesus pieces.
Susan: After the crippling expenses of The Wedding, the Queen insisted on severe cutbacks throughout the family exchequer. However, the savings realised on reducing Charles’s exhorbitant polo pony bills were more than offset by the cost of acquiring down-sized riders.
Astrid Y.C. Have: (Special recognition for being the youngest entrant, and writing in her second language. Astrid is eight, Danish, living in Beijing, attending an international school.)
I think that the monkey is on the dog because it is rescuing a person.
Or maybe it’s about to go home and change to his Halloween costume. And getting his bag for trick or treating. When he was done he went to meet his friends at the park. One of his friends was dressed as a dog. The other one was dressed as a monster and it frightened the dog so it ran as fast as it could from the monster. When the Halloween ended the dog ran home. The monkey was so exhausted after the party. He most got candies so he tried one and said ’’Um……um….well….I love it!!! And he was glad that Halloween was today! Next time on Halloween he knew what to do and that is not to meet others at parks but anywhere else. Or else one of them maybe will be dressed as a monster again so it’ll scare away the dog again.
Runners up: These two entrants will both receive signed copies of one of my novels.
Dear Sir/Madam,
Please accept my action photo for your next printing of Wheaties – Breakfast of Capuchins! Being the generous soul that I am, I plan on sending 10% of my (net, after expenses) royalty payments to charity.
–Mr. Peebles
Mr. Peebles demonstrates the intricacies of herding lawn ornaments in the National Gnomeo Finals.
And the winner, who will have a character named after him in my upcoming novel Ransom River:
As Jo lay on the ground wrestling with Little Ricky, she looked over his shoulder and saw that the first of the Monkey Collie cybernetic hybrids designed in the bowels of China Lake’s military research facilities was bearing down upon her. Since Ferd had accidentally created a rift in reality with the creation of his own fully functional, artificially intelligent, katana-wielding, and unanticipatedly evil Seven of Jo-bot, Murphy’s Law had not only gone into overdrive: It had mutated and evolved into the writhing, tentacular force that now dominated their lives. Dolls had become possessed, evil schemes had been facilitated, and all those closest to Jo had been turned into living zombies controlled by her own evil borg counterpart. Jo had to destroy her. But first, she had to reduce Little Ricky to evil kindling and evade the Monkey Collies – which, when they sighted their prey, blew miniature horns modeled after those of Charlton Heston’s full-size pursuers in The Planet of the Apes. Couldn’t she ever just wake up in a nice frothy comedy? Or in a musical, singing ABBA . . . or would that be even more terrifying?
Well done, all. Congratulations.
(Photo credit: Dan Callister/Rex Features)
The winner of Contest 2011 will be announced shortly. Yes, really. I mean it. I know you all checked in over the weekend to see if I’d kept my promise to announce the results. I failed. Apologies.
In the meantime, here’s an unexpected result from the contest: group-sourced contestant poetry. As the clock ticked down to the deadline, several contestants began writing verse. Which proved wonderful and vastly amusing to me, so I’m re-posting it here. Keep in mind that this poem was written on the spur of the moment, and over the course of about an hour, by writers in Nebraska, New Zealand, and Iowa, with a final verse added in England. I love the Internet. And my blog readers.
I’ve noted in parentheses the author of each verse.
Anapests, aka poetic meth*
(Jason)
‘Twas the hour before judgment
And all through the blog
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a “mog.”
(Flakes)
“The entries were posted to the blog with great care,
In the hopes that The Meg would espy them there.
And as hour marched on and midnight drew near,
Did the blog-reading masses have no more to share?”
(Jason)
“The minions awaited Meg’s doom all aquiver:
Which of them would die in her tale, Ransom River?”
(Ron)
“Mama in her kerchief, on top of a dog,
Had monkeyed around through the dust and the smog.
On Peebles, on Ferd, On Whiplash, and others,
Which poster has tickled the Meg o’ Death’s druthers?”
(Ron)
Oh, hell! Alright…
“Alone with her iMac, and iPad, and iPhone,
Meg tried to decide who had made her not groan,
But laugh like a women on Jack and Mint, Juniors,
But time, it ran out, and not later, but sooners,
Who come from OK-ville, where Meg too had sprung,
And where, more than once, The Husband had sung.
But now I digress, and get off of the track,
It’s time to let go and, to Meg, give a crack
At trying to separate wheat from the chaff,
And choosing a winner at whom she did laugh
Most.”
(Flakes)
“… and as midnight had struck over England this night,
The competitors put down their pens and they sighed.
Another contest had come and then gone,
So happy they were to have again played along…
And as Meg settled down for her night of slumber,
She thought she did hear in her blog distant thunder…
Of dogs and monkeys and rodeo gear,
Of horses and cowboys and Ho’s filled with beer….
and she thought to herself as sleep crept up close,
I should’ve taken a pill… hell a double-dose!”
(Meg)
Merry Contest to all, and to all a good night.
Official contest results in a couple of hours.
*Anapest.
I’m working on it. Results soon.
It’s Crime Day. At the Guildford Book Festival, I mean.
I’m on at 5:15 p.m. The event is “An American Accent.” I’ll be talking thrillers with Felix Riley. Our host for the event is the charming and witty Simon Brett.
So come on down to Guildford and hear me talk in my funny American accent. When you’re done, you can wander the medieval streets of the city, or even head over to the cathedral. This cathedral. The one where they filmed The Omen.
What could be more fun?
AKA, books I covet. Books that will serve as motivation for me to do my own work — because I’ll put them on a high shelf and wire them up to an electrical circuit that will shock me if I touch them without first finishing my own writing for the day/week/month.
A Visit from the Goon Squad, Jennifer Egan
1Q84, Haruki Murakami
REAMDE, Neal Stephenson
Zone One, Colson Whitehead
11/22/63, Stephen King
How about you? Any books you’re itching to read? Anything you’re hoping to help you celebrate Christmas, Diwali, Purim, Eid, Tet, the Winter Solstice, the Rugby World Cup Final, Elvis’s birthday?
Posted in Books
Over on Dru’s Book Musings, find out who’s conducting surveillance on Jo Beckett.
Date: July 17
Place: San Francisco
Observation point: Residence adjacent to Jo’s. On the balcony, behind the statue of Cupid.
A Day in the Life of Jo Beckett.
Then stick around Dru’s blog to read more Day-in-the-Life stories from other mystery characters.
Saturday afternoon I’ll be at the Guildford Book Festival. October 22 is Crime Day at the festival (“8 hours of hot plots and cold-blooded murder”). I’m doing “An American Accent” with fellow crime writer Felix Riley. The event will be hosted by the charming and witty Simon Brett.
Guildford Book Festival
An American Accent: Meg Gardiner and Felix Riley
Saturday 22 October
The Electric Theatre 5.15pm
“Jo and Evan on Tour,” writes DJ Paterson:
“Thought you might be interested in Jo and Evan’s recent stop on their (part) world tour – Singapore! The T-shaped building on the left of the piccie is actually the end of a boat-shaped skypark perched on three 55-storey skyscrapers.”
DJ is the co-winner of Contest 2008. Readers may recognize his name from The Memory Collector, where he became Officer Paterson of the San Francisco Police Department. Blog readers may also have noted that he’s on an odyssey: His family is moving from England to New Zealand. Singapore is a stop along their way. I appreciate his taking time out to send me the photo — and I’m happy that Jo and Evan are tagging along as the Patersons move halfway around the world.
lying for a living 
